My Highly Sensitive Journey
Learning about my highly sensitive nature has been a life's journey for me - although I only learned about the term at 28 years old! It has impacted every area of my life including my mental and emotional wellbeing, my relationships, my personal interests and the work I do. I wanted to share my story with you in case it gives you some insights into your own journey as a highly sensitive person (HSP).
Childhood, being different
In the beginning as a young child, I remember ‘noticing things’ the other grown-ups didn't (with regard to how others were feeling) or sensing the intentions of others and feeling uncomfortable. I remember questioning the meaning of things very deeply - what is the meaning of life, why are we here? It became commonplace to be told I was an ‘old soul’. However, I felt very alone with my questioning and observations.
Most of my life being highly sensitive left me feeling that there was something wrong with me or that I was broken as I was told I was ‘too sensitive’, that I needed to ‘grow a thicker skin’ or I was ‘just overthinking’. It wasn't until I learnt I was highly sensitive, embarked on a healing journey and I trained my sensitivity that it actually began to feel more like a ‘superpower’.
Further reading on being highly sensitive:
At school
Feeling overwhelmed was the theme of school. I remember standing in the school corridor, as classes changed and it felt like someone placed a bell over my whole body then started banging it. The noise, the movement, it all felt unbearable. The input from home and school, both socially and emotionally too intense. I was completely full and I didn't have the skills or tools to articulate how I was feeling.
I was struggling silently with written work as well however I didn't realise why until I was 15 when it was discovered I am dyslexic. So this was an added pressure, which also made me feel different as I thought differently to others and struggled in areas that came easy to most. At times, my own feelings would be drowned out by the noise of the emotions of others, my chest filling up and just feeling overwhelmed, but not understanding what was happening. I craved to be on my own in the silence.
I remember walking home with my sister, talking to me and just shutting down, feeling drained from all the input and unable to articulate myself. To cope, I began to disassociate from my body as I was overwhelmed and unable to process my experience, going more into my head, becoming more logical - trying to solve everything with the conscious mind.
It was, then I dabbled with trying to meditate to calm myself and began channel writing to receive guidance. However I didn't know what I was doing, and thought I was ‘just being silly’, so I put the whole thing down. I also met my intuitive mentor Marion who subtly began to open me up to another world and answer esoteric questions I had.
Further reading sensitivity triggers:
Overwhelm, triggers and solutions for HSPs and empaths
Sixth form
By the time I hit six form I really wasn't coping and ended up going to counseling with the encouragement of my Mum as I had developed an eating disorder as a way of coping with my intense emotions. I honestly felt like a failure. ‘I'm meant to be having the time of my life, I'm young and free, ‘I should be happy’ but here I am in therapy…’ I thought. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ was a constant thought throughout childhood.
However sixth form was where I made my first true friendships, with people I felt a connection with. I was dealing with intense anxiety and depression, and yet having the time of my life. The hormonal highs and lows felt intense. My philosophical mind was able to exercise itself in my friendships. I began to have boundaries modelled to me by my friends. I was really engaged and happy.
Further reading:
Five reasons why your intuitive sensitivity as an empath increases your overwhelm
University
Of course, my sensitivity followed me to uni where I studied Theatre. Where I found all the usual ‘fun’ activities like clubbing and drinking just left me numb or underwhelmed and I was disinterested. If I drink alcohol, I feel rotten so I was basically teetotal, the noise in clubs or gigs drained me so I felt like a killjoy, it just wasn’t my idea of fun although I loved dancing. I remember travelling on buses and feeling overwhelmed by what felt like strobe lighting from the street lamps as we passed in the dark. On top of this was the clambering noise of all the people shouting and talking loudly on the bus. It was such a joy once I started cycling to avoid the buses as I could manage my light and sound sensitivity.
Also I was still managing my intense anxiety and panic attacks. So I decided to try yoga, which at the time wasn't as well known as it is now. I found it had a very strong calming effect on me - but the hypervigilance and cortisol levels still shot up not long after. However it was my first encounter, with how powerfully working with the body could affect states of mind. My counselling had made me very self-aware, but I walked away, still enraged and with high anxiety. This was my first window into another possibility - the wisdom of the body and its connection to the mind.
Further reading:
The deep need for a sense of purpose and calling for HSPs
At work
At work, I tried to get on and play it ‘normal’. I was ambitious and wanted to do something meaningful, but I was still plagued by my sensitivity-overwhelm. I found it incredibly hard to concentrate in an office environment with the different noises, distractions, interruptions and conversations. It took a lot of energy to concentrate for me. By the end of the day, I felt so drained, I could barely speak.
It was in my first job, where I experienced my capacity to feel the emotions of others in my body. When a colleague who had been away due to the death of his mother came to visit. I was sitting with my back against the door. When suddenly my heart felt flooded with pain and I didn't understand why. It felt unbearable. Then I turned around and looked up to find him standing there silently. That's when I began to realise the power of my sensitivity to pick up on the experience of others.
I worked in a theatre where we produced community projects for young people and then outdoor theatre events. I was always really interested in transformation with the individual, which for me I explored through the arts at the time. But as I went deeper in my yoga practice and began reading about spirituality I realised I become more interested in the mind-body connection and holistic healing.
Further reading:
Significant life decisions, I made because I knew I was highly sensitive
Relationships
Around this time in my 20s, I began to realise I was an introvert. This was hugely helpful for me to learn where I was gaining and losing my energy. It helped me to become accepting of myself, that the extrovert ways of ‘enjoying’ one’s self wasn’t for me - i.e. lots of socialising. For me, joy came from reading a book and being quiet. I stopped pushing myself into situations where I ‘should be happy’ and started just giving myself what I needed and beginning to say no to opportunities that didn’t really interest me.
I was, however, in a relationship with an extrovert at the time, which I found very draining due to the volume of talking and listening! I decided at the end of that relationship, I couldn't date an extrovert. It took too much out of me. I was beginning to learn what drained my energy and what boosted it. I started to listen to my body, to be honest with myself and act on it.
Once that long term relationship ended I unfortunately got entangled with a narcissist. This taught me just how co-dependent my behaviours were and that I needed to take a serious look at my boundaries and habits from childhood. So I began to own and explore my fierce side which I had mainly been in denial of and began to explore my intuition consciously to help me make better decisions. I began to examine my relationships. I realised that I had become an unofficial counsellor to some friends, family and colleagues. That I had set up an unhealthy dynamic of overgiving and overriding myself which needed correcting.
Further reading:
10 signs you struggle setting boundaries as a highly sensitive person
The importance of rewilding for highly sensitive women and what the first feminine has to teach us
Energetic Awareness
At 28 years old I left my career in the arts without a plan, relocated from Manchester, back to my home town in Norwich moving in with family and I was feeling pretty lost and desperate. This is when I began my Shiatsu training and started going to the Buddhist Centre. Both of these became lifelines for me, changing the course of my life. Suddenly, I was in a space where my sensitivity was being trained to sense subtle energy, and I was surrounded by people asking deep questions about purpose. It felt like coming home.
Once I started my Shiatsu training, my experiences started to make more sense to me. I learnt a different map about the body, mind, emotions and spirit connection. I entered the 5D reality I was sensing rather than to the 2D map society lived by. I also encountered the full force of the level of panic I was living with on a day-to-day level. I was beginning to train my sensitivity to the subtle energy of mind and emotion that I was naturally picking up on. During my training, it was also the first time I was called ‘highly sensitive’ and I learnt that this was a trait rather than a problem!
Meanwhile, I began studying and practising Buddhism, learning the ethical theory, as well as practising mindfulness and meditation. I was surrounded by deep, thinkers and compassionate people. This once again, felt revolutionary to me, to be in a safe community, where I could really open up. However after a couple of years of meditating on retreat, sitting on the cushion became impossible as I was experiencing pure terror. This was when I learnt I was working with trauma symptoms.
Further reading:
Eight reasons empaths have late, blooming careers
Trauma symptoms: a mother of anxiety and depression
Becoming a Mum
Meeting my now husband and becoming a mum triggered a big healing crisis for me which came in two waves as my trauma symptoms surfaced violently - the first when I moved in with my husband and the second when I became a mum, then Covid hit. For a year and a half, I went through an incredibly difficult period where I would be attempting to do day-to-day tasks while shaking with terror. After years of therapy and Bodywork, in different forms, my symptoms came to a head.
I think this was for two reasons, the first I was with someone that I felt completely safe with so suddenly it was safe to let go. Secondly, the pressures of motherhood and covid took away all of my support systems . Bodywork, time alone, and rest periods, all suddenly gone. My nervous system was a wreck. At this point, I started having blended EFT, NLP and hypnosis with my teacher Emma. I didn't honestly believe it was possible to recover because I lived with this all my life, but after six months I felt like a completely different person. I then continued clearing through Bodycode with Padmavajri.
Becoming a mother also enabled me to transition certain relationships that needed addressing as the Mama Bear rose up and said ‘enough’. I finally felt brave enough to assert my boundaries and make clear changes where I felt too afraid to do it before because I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it for my daughter. I also didn’t have the time or energy to ‘parent’ others anymore. I also wanted to model strong boundaries for her but I needed to take action and change to do that which for me meant cutting ties as I didn’t want the cycle to repeat.
Further reading:
Five challenges of motherhood as an empath
Purpose and sensitivity
After doing a diploma in Integrated Energy Techniques (EFT, NLP and hypnosis) during the pandemic I transitioned to working online with these techniques, instead of practising Shiatsu face to face. However I used the information I could sense from my embodied energy awareness from my Shiatsu training in my sessions (see my training). Alongside all my training I continually practised enhancing my intuitive intelligence for work and life decision making as well as boundary setting.
I decided to focus my niche on HSPs as that’s who I was attracting in my practice (as the subconscious knows when someone resonates with our experience) and my high sensitivity was the foundation to my core life experiences and issues I had dealt with. But with all that I knew about myself - I was dyslexic, an introvert, recovered from trauma symptoms, highly sensitive I still felt something was missing from my self understanding… Until I had a session with my now mentor Luc who when I asked - ‘my sensitivity is so intense, what’s wrong with me?!’, he said - ‘Nicole, you’re a channel, you’re a medium’ suddenly a big piece of the puzzle of life my experience fell into place for me.
At this point due to my healing recovery and the different models of training I had experienced, I decided to lean into this knowledge and begin channelling healing in my one-to-one sessions. I put down the models and discovered my own method of practice. I felt as though I found my place in the world, and my highly sensitive nature suddenly made sense, finally feeling like a gift not a curse.
My ability to feel another person's experience in my own body, has become a tool to empower and heal others. I can see the memories of their experiences in this lifetime, I can feel where the emotion is in the body, I can sense the thought forms that are trapped, I can see the cording to different individuals and the vows that have been made which need cutting - in this lifetime or another. I can sense the energy of the mind-emotion-body and see the angels and spirit guides who do the healing.
Instead of ‘trying to be normal’, accepting my sensitivity enabled me to embrace my gifts Which in turn enabled me to hold a transformational and deep witnessing space for others - giving me great satisfaction. I am a channel between worlds between the material and beyond the veil, connecting others to the beauty and mystery of life. But I've only been able to do this through daring to explore who I truly am, and receiving the support, encouragement, guidance, and mentorship of others.
We have to dare to be authentically ourselves as highly sensitive people to flourish in our own unique way. This often demands a journey of healing and recovery, training and mentorship - with the willingness to dive deep. But the rewards are plentiful. Many of us are here with a unique mission to help others through our own unique gifts and personal interests. The world really does need us and our sensitivity - we are not broken, we are gifted and have so much to offer. I hope my story to date inspires you on your journey as a HSP.
Further Reading:
Why communicating with spirit guides is easy as a highly sensitive person
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