Eight Significant life decisions I made because I knew I was highly sensitive
Coming to the realisation that you are highly sensitive can be an empowering discovery because you can start to make adjustments in your life to support your needs as a sensitive person rather than deplete you; as well as starting to use your gifts to serve you and others.
Some of those life choices may be more significant than others or take longer to implement, but we all have to start somewhere and there are often smaller adaptations or choices we can make to nourish us more immediately in daily life even if the desired big shifts aren't available to us right now.
So I thought I would share some of the personal life decisions I made due to my highly sensitive nature, even though I wasn't completely conscious that was the driver of some of the decisions at the time(!) I hope it might help you reflect on your life too and changes that might be available to you.
1. Change of career
It was in my mid 20s when I realised I just didn't seem to be coping with day-to-day living like everybody else. I was working in project management in a Theatre feeling constantly overwhelmed. Beyond the need to deal with my own trauma symptoms, I knew that the environment I was in at work was not serving me well. Although I did a job I enjoyed with people I loved, the uninterrupted nature of simply being in an office felt too much for me: needing to communicate continuously with people, answering phones, going to meetings etc. I decided I needed to live more simply, and work from home alone in a quiet space. I also hated commuting. It just seemed to kill my joy for life and anything I could do to avoid it I was in.
So I decided I needed to retrain so I could live and be in a more therapeutic role which would be more supportive of my sensitivity. Both giving me a more suitable environment that was quiet, reflective and nurturing, as well as using my gift of sensitivity in my work which I knew I would find satisfying and effective. I could also get to support people on a deep transformative level that was important to me and my values.
Question
What adjustments would you make with your career to more suit your sensitive needs - big or small? Perhaps you might have a sense that there may be another career setting that might be more suitable for your highly sensitive traits?
2.Your environment, nature and where you live
When I lived in Manchester in my 20s, quite frankly I found it depressing. Don't get me wrong I love Manchester, it's a fantastic city. I love the people I worked with and the friends I made but I was just in the wrong place for me to be living. A big city didn’t serve me well, as I need to be close to nature, not miles of cement and brick. Being highly sensitive I was very sensitive to my environment and it had a big impact on my energy levels. Manchester is also the rainiest city in Britain and that took its toll on my mental health, the fact that day in and day out it was mostly grey, overcast and raining, no joke(!) I found it affected my mood, I craved the light.
I was lucky enough to came back to Norwich (the sunniest place in Britain!) to be close to my family but also for the balance of small city life as well as nature walks on your doorstep. I decided I needed to stop ignoring the impact that my environment was having on my mood and energy levels as a highly sensitive person. I needed to embrace what nourished me and lifted my energy, acknowledge and honour that. So now I can feel my life force rise when I go for a walk in my local woods, when I put my feet on the grass in my garden I can feel myself grounding and rooting, when I go to the coast it feels like my soul can breathe - none of which I had easy access to in Manchester at the time.
Question
What spaces fuel your energy as a HSP? What environments nourish you? What could you do more of to help your physical and mental health and wellbeing?
3. Relationships choices
In my 20’s I was in a committed 5 year relationship. At that age I was still getting to know myself. I came to realise at that time that I was an introvert and that my then partner was an extrovert. As an introverted Empath, I found the continual listening and talking actually incredibly depleting as I felt plugged into and drained (through no fault of his own). I realised once we broke up that personally it was really important for me to be with someone who was also more quiet, liked their space and was introverted to save my energy!
I also realised the importance of shared philosophical and ethical values. Being sensitive, I spent my whole life asking questions around the meaning of life, the nature of mind etc which inevitably lead me to my Buddhist practice. But in that relationship in my 20’s I felt alone as he just wasn't asking those questions and we weren’t on the same wavelength in that way which for me was fundamental. I learnt I wanted a partner who was also engaged in their own spiritual development, so we weren’t pulling in opposite directions. I know it's not always possible to find, and that’s it's not as important for everybody, but I needed that and luckily I have now found that.
Question
What needs as a highly sensitive person do you need to be met in your relationship? What is important to you in terms of your needs? If you're not receiving this currently how might you begin to negotiate elements of this with your partner now? Or what are you looking for in the future?
4. Socialising boundaries
When you are highly sensitive it can be important to be honest and know where you gain and lose energy in terms of socialising, with individuals, friends or family - who boosts your energy, who drains your energy, what settings elevate or unplug you socially or in the workplace, what methods of communication do you love and are enriching be it in person, on zoom, writing texts, voice messages and what do you hate? You can then place boundaries around who you invest your time and energy with , how often you see them, how you communicate, what your capacity is in terms of how many people you spend time with etc as you know yourself and what you need.
This is something I've done for myself over time. As someone who is highly sensitive I am very impacted by the emotions and experiences of others, so I have learnt I need to look after myself as well. I'm also very invested in the friendships I have so I have to be discerning about who I spend my time with and how that nourishes me as well. Learning to be boundaried with your availability can cut away any guilt or anxiety around ‘needing to be available for others’ and ‘needing to keep them happy’, as you learn it's important to prioritise yourself as well or your energy can totally deplete , or you become depressed/anxious and then you can’t see or support anyone as you’re trying to survive.
Question
Have you ever done an assessment of your relationships and how you spend your time? What social spaces fuel you or deplete you? Who are the energy vampires in your life and what changes might be healthy to help you in that dynamic?
5. Healing intervention and Self Care
I started therapy when I was 18 and quite honestly felt like a failure at the time ‘everyone else was fine why can't I cope?’. I thought I should have been living my best life travelling and living up, but there I was depressed, anxious and barely coping. After a year of therapy I decided I still needed to go deeper into my experience and healing process, which led to yoga, which led to shiatsu training, which led to EFT training etc. By my early 30s what I had come to learn and understand was I was suffering with trauma symptoms. I knew I needed help and a modality to clear it, which for me was one to one EFT.
Even though I feel like a completely different person with all the therapeutic support and inner exploration I've experienced over the years, I now know I need regular self-care support (weekly or bi-weekly) to keep me balanced due to being highly sensitive. This is because the world impacts me strongly even on a day-to-day level and I need support to process that both solo but also in a held space be that; Shiatsu, Rosen, EFT, Body code, Self hypnosis, saunas and gym etc. Luckily for me I can do some therapy swaps with friends and colleagues. I realised I can do ‘good’ in the world and be my ‘best self’ only if I'm also being supported because… being a mum is tiring, ‘running a household’ is depleting and being a therapist can mean holding a safe space for intense or traumatic experience at times - and I need to honor my sensitivity and my needs to stay well by releasing what impacts me and nourishing myself. We all do as HSP’s.
Question
What are your self care tools, what works for you? In an ideal world how often would you have self-care support and what would that look like?
6. One child due to HSP overwhelm
My partner and I decided we only wanted one child. There were multiple reasons for this decision, and obviously we were privileged to have that choice but I wanted to share some of the reasons why with you. As a highly sensitive person I found the pregnancy, birth and postpartum intense. I had my daughter at 36 and the physical recovery for me took years really to feel stronger again. I always had a fear of pregnancy and birth, so it wasn’t a natural joy for me and I did have birth trauma to work through afterwards which I didn’t want to repeat.
The intensity of being a Mum, with the relentlessness and the lack of sleep, well after the first year I nearly had a breakdown (in the middle of covid) from the pressure, all my unresolved trauma survived. Luckily I received the support I needed and finally fully recovered. But it was a healing crisis triggered by the pressure which I really struggled with being highly sensitive. For us being parents has had an impact on our mental health, increased financial strain, puts pressure on your relationship, and you feel like you're constantly heading off burnout. My partner and I fear we would just be miserable and not be coping well, as we are both very sensitive and need a lot of time, space and rest which we can juggle and accommodate with one child. We rather acknowledge that reality and not put the strain on our well-being even though part of us would like another child, we have made that choice.
Question
Do you relate to this? Do you have one child and are questioning whether you should have a second because it's been a struggle as you're sensitive? Do you fear having a child because you know you're highly sensitive?
7. Developing my Intuitive abilities
By my late 20s when I started my shiatsu training I was learning to develop my intuitive sensitivity. This opened a whole world to me that I was previously unaware of. My friends had fondly called me a ‘witch’ for years because of the number of spooky coincidences I would experience; precognitive dreams - dreaming of a relationship break up only to text my friend and find out it happened without warning, that I just knew how friends were feeling and I could put the words to it even when they couldn't, that I would suddenly know something was wrong with someone at a distance and message them only to discover they’d just burst into tears, that when the phone rang I knew who it was (not every time!) etc.
Retraining and starting to use my gift of sensitivity suddenly made the world make sense to me. I no longer felt paranoid or felt weird, instead I was able to train myself to feel subtle energy, to channel ‘unseen’ information (feelings, memories, thoughts of others) and instead of feeling overwhelmed or bombarded I felt empowered. I learned what I could feel and see, what many others couldn’t on subtle realms of experience. Having trained this gift of sensitivity I now use it in my day-to-day practice as an intuitive therapist, and it has led me to my calling. My sensitivity has also opened the door to, at times, a mystical and deeply satisfying connection with the world which I longed for.
Question
What ‘spooky’ experiences have you had - dreams that came true etc? Have you ever explored your clairvoyant skills as a sensitive? How do you think developing your gift of sensitivity will support you in your life today?
8. Live on your terms as a HSP
I remember my mum saying to me when I was a teenager ‘you don't follow the crowd’ which at the time I didn't understand what she meant really as I was just being myself which I thought was normal! But it's true, I follow my interests, voice my opinions, listen to my needs and wants and will follow them, even if that takes me in a different direction to the ‘norm’. This is what I want for you too as a highly sensitive person, for you to follow your true path, live a balanced life for you and follow your calling. To do that we need to get to know ourselves really well and acknowledge what we need. This requires honesty and authenticity as well as courage at times because the truth isn't always convenient and might feel hard to act on.
What do I mean about ‘follow your path’, well simply, listen to your needs as a sensitive and make lifestyle choices to support them. Here are some choices I make to live life on my terms as a highly sensitive person: I work from home, I see clients on zoom instead of in person, I limit how many social events I go to or friends I see, I maintain my buddhist practice, I receive intuitive mentoring and training, we have decided to have a small wedding with only immediate family and no reception to enjoy it more (!), I go on retreat once a year to refuel, we alternate childcare on the weekend so my partner and I can both have adequate chunks of time to ourselves, I have weekly or biweekly ‘self care’ sessions in the diary (bodywork etc), I write blogs to stay sane and process all the reflecting I do in response to the world! To name a few examples of the structures I have in place to manage and nurture my sensitivity.
I want you to reflect on what you might need to support your sensitivity on all these different aspects of your life. What would it mean to live life on your terms and flourish as a HSP? Be in the environments that nourish you, do work that supports your sensitivity, be around friends that lift you up and understand you... Life is precious, live it well, honour your spirit and your needs as a sensitive soul.
Question
What changes do you know you need to make but you are burying your head in the sand (if you were being completely honest with yourself!). What would your ideal life look like that honors your sensitivity and how can you make small steps towards it?
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