The importance of rewilding for Highly Sensitive Women and what the Fierce Feminine has to teach us
‘The black is back’ was a text I sent to a close friend after I broke up with a partner of 5 years in my mid-twenties - a message she cherished and kept on her phone for years (back in the days of old Nokia’s when you had to delete messages when the phone was full). She kept it, as to her it meant her fierce friend was returning.
As for those 5 years I had been in a co-dependent relationship and had pursued being ‘perfect’; the perfect girlfriend, friend, employee, daughter…always understanding, available, empathic, flexible, kind, floral and beige wearing which is an aspect of me but absolutely not the whole truth. I was denying, hiding and masking a strong aspect of my being that was alive and kicking before - the fierce, the rage, the wild, the black, the no, the knowing.
This attempt at ‘perfectionism’ had been slowly pulling me apart. I found it incredibly difficult to come to terms with this ‘unacceptable, fierce, dark’ aspect of myself, I didn’t know how to deal with my own complexity and internal paradox - so I denied it and pushed it into a box but then it would rear up often cyclically (!). But it was my rejection of it that made it even worse, as I was completely out of balance and unintegrated. I was still a good girl in a woman's body who was running from shadowy uncomfortable deep truths which I did not want to face.
Messages in dreams
But this inner fierce feminine - mature knowing, boundaried nature and direct wisdom wasn’t going anywhere - it demanded my attention, gradually screaming more loudly each time I looked away until it was impossible to ignore any longer. This actually started with the end of my first long long term relationship at 20 years old. I began to have dreams of cutting off my hair. Now for me that was the symbol of the end of a relationship. You leave a boyfriend, you get a dramatic haircut..! At first this dream occurred every so often until it reached a point where as soon as I closed my eyes - that image appeared up close and on repeat haunting me - cut, cut, cut.
But I didn’t want to listen, it wasn’t what my heart wanted. As soon as the thoughts of separation arose, I would jump up and race over to see him, idealistically and doe eyed clinging to what we had. Yet ‘my knowing’ knew it wasn’t right for either of us and it was time to leave. Instead of heeding the message I clung on and ended up making a heart breaking mess of it all which I deeply regretted. I tell myself sometimes, especially when you’re young, we learn to listen the hard way unfortunately. One of the lessons for me was I became a student of dreams and I listened carefully to the subconscious messages of knowing which can speak to us in our dream life.
The Inner Hag
Leaping forward, returning to my mid-twenties, this gut knowing, was what ended my 5 year second long term relationship. My head would make up all sorts of theories on how it was going to work, my heart was in love but my gut… my gut said no. No to any serious commitment: no to a house, no to marriage, no to kids… a knot in my gut would appear with a dark cloud - my gut said no. It was so strong, I couldn’t ignore it or bypass it. The answer was no. This wasn’t my path. This wasn’t my truth. It demanded to be felt and heard, until eventually I couldn’t keep it a secret from myself and had to voice it - to everyone's deep shock and surprise.
This romantic separation introduced me to the intuitive knowing of the inner hag and wild woman, which are figures of the fierce feminine, that came to me through the book I read after that break up ‘Women who run with the wolves: contacting the power of the wild woman’ by Clarissa Pinkol Estes (a book I cherish and will be forever grateful for). At the time this book was revolutionary for me. I could suddenly see myself clearly and how my obstructive acts of self denial were damaging not only to myself but others as I wasn’t being honest. It was then I committed myself to integrating and listening to the fierce feminine within beginning to rewild.
So what is this Fierce Feminine?
The fierce feminine is a mysterious force that expresses itself through us - whether we are women, men, transgender or non-binary. The fierce feminine has many faces in different cultures and philosophical or religious traditions and is an archetypical energy in the universe that seeks expression within us to maintain healthy balance as well as Goddess figures in different pantheons. Figures of the dark or fierce feminine such as: The Hag, the Dakinis such as Vajrayogini, Sekmet, Kali, Lilith, Hel, Persephone, Medusa, Morgan Le Fay, the Spinx, Valkyrie, Pele, Hecate (see Goddesses Knowledge Cards).
What knowledge do these sacred Fierce Feminine figures carry? Well she can be, for example, from the underworld, knows darkness and death, can be rageful, volatile and wrathful, cutting, the seeing-knowing–intuitive, boundaried, mature, self possessed, Grandmother wisdom keeper, wise woman, embody fierce compassion, can be forceful, real, wild and raw, knows the nature of reality.
They are representative of creative aspects of the human psyche, but are also ‘real’ energetic embodiments in the subtle world and are an expression of the sacred feminine. They are representations of raw fierce feminine power that refuse to be infantilized by the predominating narrative in our patriarchal culture of women as solely mothering, soft, feminine figures - which is of course part of the feminine expression but are far from the whole picture.
In Buddhism the female Bodhisattvas are seen as the energy of wisdom, the male Bodhisattvas as energy of compassion which feels very counter cultural to the western representations of ‘energetic gendered’ virtues! I have contemplated this over time as a western woman and for me women's wisdom comes back to the dark side of the feminine which articulates itself within a woman's embodied wisdom.
Through our cyclical connection and relationship with death that we experience in our monthly cycle, the mystical doorway to life that can open within our own womb, with the rebirth of the psyche that takes place if one becomes a Mother or as one transitions through menopause. We live through the cycle of death, we are reborn each month or with each rite of passage and with it are required to let go repeatedly on deeper and deeper levels. Due to the very nature of our bodies we gain insight by moving through the underworld and facing darkness then remerging again and again. We face death in the psyche cyclically and ultimately practice letting go our sense of self into the space of primordial emptiness or spirit, potentially creating great wisdom.
Force of truth for Highly Sensitive Women
‘The dakini is a force of truth: wherever we cling, she cuts; whatever we think we can hide, she reveals’ Lama Tsultrim Allione
Becoming wise isn’t about ‘being nice’. It can ask us to face the hard truths of reality and at times making difficult decisions, realising when a hard no is required, it's about owning and integrating not demonising the Mama bear energy within, it’s about realising your own power and using it wisely, it's about having the courage to bare truth, stand in your own integrity and make an honest decision that is truly liberating. Sometimes the truth can be painful for our ‘smaller self’ but for our growth and health, the revealing mirror of insight and wisdom that the dark or fierce feminine can bring is what is required.
Now for Highly Sensitive women, the fierce feminine can be an important ally for change and rebalance when it comes to our boundaries as well as seeing ourselves clearly. Rewilding and listening to the fierce energy within can empower us to be clear, honest and create greater freedom within and without. It is an act of rebalancing, often for over giving, people pleasing, peace making HSP’s. When we can integrate the force of this energy bit by bit, one decision or relationship at a time, it can feel a lot less intimidating. Until at some point you feel at ease with this aspect of yourself.
The fierce feminine is more than a figure or symbolism, remember these are representations of an energy that is alive in the universe and is a natural part of your psyche. It calls to you to create harmony and not only within yourself. The fierce feminine, is particularly relevant at this time as we are experiencing a rise in the sacred feminine as we are being asked to step up to fight for and protect that which we love as our planet, Gaia - Mother Earth, is in crisis as well as all sentient beings that live on her - animals and humans.
Why we need the fierce feminine as HSP’s
Embodying the wisdom of the fierce feminine enables us to walk away and make the hard decisions - without the self damning back chat. It enables us to honestly see and recognise abusive or narcissistic behaviour and actively choose to disengage or disentangle, because we are in touch with fierce self compassion.
The fierce feminine energy within is the Mama bear energy that says enough, no, here is my boundary. She can look at the harsh reality and rather than dance around an issue and play nice, she has clarity and wisdom to be truthful, confront it then do what is required. She can fight to protect, creates boundaries to rest as required, says no to avoid burnout, she can fight your corner creating healthy boundaries for us.
You know this energy within you intimately already, but you might avoid it and may not let her breath or speak. Your conditioning can block you from accessing your fierce feminine. If anger is not acceptable and you fear your rage, if your role is to keep the peace, if your emotions are not validated, you doubt your inner voice, if you live with timidity or fearing your safety, if you're wanting to be acceptable at all times, if being activated or going into dark spaces in the psyche feels unsafe due to unhealed trauma etc. Regardless, she is waiting for you. Waiting to empower you if you are willing to integrate her wisdom, knowledge and power.
The fierce energy within, which at first may feel terrifying and threatening - as it did for me to begin with, becomes a powerful and trusted ally. Instead of fearing your power and potential, you can begin to embrace it as you release the frightened or child-like aspects of your psyche through your own healing journey.
As Laurel Thatcher Ulrich says: “Well-behaved women seldom make history“ and this is true of our own personal history. If we ignore the dark and the fierce within, we will never embrace our own inner power and create the much needed changes or boundaries needed in work, relationships, parenting etc produce the healthy balance necessary. Like caterpillars entering their cocoon, likewise, we need to enter the underworld within with a torch held by the fierce feminine, to face the dark and to emerge stronger, wiser, more powerful and ultimately transformed.
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