Six Reasons why highly sensitive people are wrong to believe ‘It’s unkind to say no’
This phrase ‘it's unkind to say no’ is something that I regularly hear from my clients as we start to work on developing healthy, personal boundaries. I must confess that when this phrase arises, I can either get incredibly charged up inside or I can still find it such a shocking belief that my mind often goes blank as to how to respond. So I decided to write about it, to unpack this loaded short sentence and to explain why it is critical as a highly sensitive person that you ditch this belief today.
1. Warped view from childhood
What I hear when someone says ‘it's unkind to say no’ - there are multiple thoughts that come to mind. The first thought is often where has this belief come from? Who taught you to think like this? It can be important to step back and reflect on where this idea came from for you - often the origin is from your childhood and upbringing.
If, for example, you were brought up in a household, where your thoughts and feelings felt not only unsafe to express, but unsafe to feel; then our emotional experience was invalidated. We will then find it hard to acknowledge our own needs, will feel they are not of value, will consider ourselves (or feel) that we will not be supported or heard when we do dare to articulate them. So I wonder…
Did you have a parent that led you to believe that your needs, feelings or voice didn't count?
Did you have a caregiver who made you feel you needed to ‘extinguish or diminish yourself’ and your needs to ‘be kind’. Did you feel you needed to be accepted or acceptable to them so that you weren't rejected?
Did you have an emotionally immature or, selfishr caregiver or one with narcissistic tendencies who you are subconsciously afraid of becoming if you assert yourself or your needs? Fearing that you’ll be ‘unkind’ like them.
Who made you feel guilty or blamed if you didn’t let them say or do as they pleased and who neglectfully rough rode over your boundaries?
If this sounds at all familiar, you may have been manipulated into believing it's ‘unkind’ or wrong for you to make requests for your own basic emotional needs to be met or have personal boundaries - which is fundamentally not true. Our perception of what constitutes healthy boundaries can become warped as we've never experienced it before and from this standpoint the belief ‘it's unkind to say no’ is born as our emotional needs have historically been neglected or invalidated by our caregiver/s or our family.
2. The truth of what's really alive
So let me ask you this, if you say yes - is it always coming from a place of kindness or is there another motive at play? Do you actually say YES:
out of a fear they will reject you?
out of a fear they will not like you or will react badly?
out of a fear they will think of you differently or in a ‘bad’ light?
because you feel ‘you should’ help them or you have a sense of obligation?
because you feel guilty?
Often the motivation for our agreement to do something for someone or help may have nothing to do with a response of kindness. It may feed into our own codependency in relationships and a need to rescue others.
Many HSP’s I have worked with have lived with a manipulative or threatening caregiver (to some degree) and to survive become ‘an empathic caretaker’ - tolerating and trying to be understanding to reason their behaviour, stay safe and keep them happy.
But what can happen is we blindside our own needs (as we have to at the time) then believe that no matter what the behaviour, or the words said etc, that we need to be ‘kind’ in response. Because as a child, this was the way to cope with our situation as we couldn't escape, say 'no' or assert ourselves. Therefore when I hear the phrase ‘it's unkind to say no’ what I believe is really often being said is ‘I need to tolerate this to stay safe and be liked’.
3. Circle of kindness
I remember doing a course on compassion at the Buddhist centre and during one of the classes, a provocative question was asked, ‘if there are four people: yourself, your ‘enemy’, your friend, and someone neutral - and there is someone running towards you with an axe, who should die, who would you pick?’. We were asked to explore and debate... What answer did we come up with? No one, no one deserved to die.
Why do I mention this? Because there can be a key misunderstanding of the nature of compassion or kindness, that it means self sacrifice, that the compassion does not include yourself - when it does. We need to be part of this circle of compassion not ignore our needs but consider them equally. To quote Brene Brown:
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
It is important to ‘be kind’ to yourself too which can require real honesty about what we need and how we feel which may feel radical for some. It asks us to explore the grey areas of our experience, not be black and white, be authentic, be creative in negotiating our boundaries and this matures us.
When I say to clients they need to consider their needs, they usually come back with something along the lines of - ‘but they need me, they are struggling, they’re in a bad way, they have no one!’…etc. That may be the case, but you need to seriously consider your own responsibilities and capacity.
If you keep giving beyond your limits, you can end up burnt out, overburdened and unable to help, resentful or unhappy… which isn't very self compassionate. For our responses to come from a place of kindness, we really need to be boundaried with our energy, attention and time to manage our own needs too.
4. Giving isn’t always good
The harsh truth is some people will keep taking as much as you are willing to give and this is why it's important to have clear boundaries. This obviously depends on the person(!) but HSP’s can attract toxic personalities due to this habit of over giving, their understanding, empathic nature and lack of strong boundaries.
When we say 'no' in this case, what we are really saying 'no' to is toxic or abusive behaviour manifesting as:
Disregard of your needs
Continual taking
Manipulation
Aggressive behaviour
Trauma bonding etc
Saying 'no' is not unkind, regardless of their personal trauma or troubled background, but is enabling you to create healthy boundaries and protect yourself.
Aside from this ‘toxic personalities’, at times, our expectation of what we ‘should give’ to a friend can be very out of alignment with what is healthy for us and what is required or helpful to them - thinking we need to ‘absorb their pain’ to be a ‘good friend’, be ever available via text for our friend in constant crisis, or drop our plans to be available for example - we need to ask what's reasonable and kind to my nervous system too? Often quality over quantity is more valuable when it comes to our time, focus and energy. This can be the kindest thing to benefit both parties.
Also the truth is, if someone loves or cares about us, they will want us to feel good in the exchange of attention and energy that we are gifting each other - as it feels bad to them otherwise. If you're with someone who doesn't care what you need then really you want to be stepping back from them anyway. Healthy relationships, plutonic, familial or otherwise etc are based on a mutual respect for each other's emotional needs. Ideally an empathic dynamic where we are open to and aware of the needs of others and they respond in kind to ours.
Obviously people go through tough times and when we care about them we want to be present for them, so we really need to reflect on the nature of the dynamic of the relationship, but also of habitual tendencies i.e. if we habitually rush in to save and ignore our own boundaries. Sometimes it can be helpful to have support in unpacking this.
5. The wisdom in discernment
In Buddhist philosophy we use the metaphor of a bird with two wings - the wings of compassion and wisdom. It cannot fly without both. So when I hear the phrase, ‘it's unkind to say no’, what I hear is a lack of the wisdom of discernment because it can actually be wise to say 'no' for many reasons:
We know we don’t in truth have the time or energy to commit or give and we might end up letting them down - therefore it is better to be honest about our capacity. This is realistic rather than unkind.
We know that we need to say 'no' to ultimately ‘save the friendship’, because if we keep giving at this rate, we'll want to pull away and cut ties completely.
We might know that they have other support available and probably don't really need additional help at that time, so it,'s better to be available when they do
We know them well enough to realise that they probably need an hour of quality time with us rather than the half day that they are suggesting. Quality over quantity.
We have insight to see what is in the highest interest for both them and ourselves which requires us to say 'no'
I'll give you an example of the wisdom discernment married with compassion that sits in the grey area - someone may be begging you for a cigarette and out of compassion for their pain you buy or give them one. But if this continues to happen, in the long-term is it in their best interest that you continue supporting this unhealthy habit? Yes, it may be their choice but should we be complicit in this choice, are we serving their long term healthiest or highest good by our acquiescence to their demands? Probably not. Therefore it might be kinder to decide to say 'no' to an ongoingly request even if it’s painful or uncomfortable, because you want to respect their long term wellbeing. We have to decide.
It can be the same with other unhealthy behaviours - ‘kinder to say no’. We can have compassion for a friend but need the insight to say 'no' to ‘help them grow’. That old adage ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink’ is very true. You may be endlessly ‘helping’ and giving to someone who actually isn't interested in truly helping themselves or changing the problem. We may be complicit in supporting unhealthy behaviours by saying nothing and thus feeding into the dynamic.
We can never do the emotional heavy lifting for someone and sometimes, actually it would be more constructive to step back because ultimately they have to take responsibility for themselves. We use our wisdom to judge the situation compassionately to decide on appropriate boundaries.
6. Dispelling unhealthy myths and norms
The concept of ‘its unkind to say no’, can be heavily saturated by expectations from our: secular or religious community norms, cultural or ethnic upbringing, engendered heteronormative experience as well as our HSP personality - each influencing our personal mythology as well as our approach or beliefs around boundaries.
Like a fish swimming in a river unaware we are in water - these norms or beliefs are so pervasive and saturate our world that we culturally acclimatise to the environment we have been brought up in and may not even notice the power of its influence on us. It's often not, unless we sit outside these norms or the majority, that we are confronted by them or unless we are interested, that we begin to question them.
So what does this have to do with believing “it’s unkind to say no” as a HSP. Well, what myths are you living in your life that are leading you to believe this? Of course it depends hugely on the situation and I will look from the perspective of a woman (I want to acknowledge here that I am seeing this through the lens of a woman of privilege, a white cis, heterosexual woman in the western world):
As a woman, do you feel uncomfortable about rejecting the advances of a man, because it feels like it will be ‘unkind’ to say no? Or do you really feel uncomfortable saying 'no' as it doesn’t feel safe and it might not be respected or well received? This then results in you not feeling able to be direct. How much does our culture's view on you as a woman impact your ability to feel safe to be assertive about your needs?
When you think of compassionate icons does the image of the Virgin Mary come to mind as an illustration in the back of your mind as an example of female purity, piety, acceptance and tranquility? A religious ideal that has filtered into our western culture as the ideal feminine response…
How much of the previous generations' social structural influences have shaped or defined the expectations within your own relationships and family today and what makes a ‘happy family life’? I.e ‘the housewife and mother paradigm ever giving-loving-understanding’ or ‘forgiving-doting-compassionate-partner’ - does this have an impact on your beliefs around your boundaries?
Think of your cultural references in terms of your personal ideals that you reference in your daily life now and how it influences you. The film, music, literary, political, philosophical icons that are hero’s / heroines for you? What message or ideal do they project to you of kindness or boundaries?
These are all examples of how we are continually filtering our experience through the influence of different lenses and reference points that we may not even be aware of, some of which may impact our ideals or give-and-take more greatly than others. It can be something to reflect on. As when we say, ‘unkind to say no’, what we may be saying in fact is ‘I will be defying a ‘cultural norm’ - by asserting my boundaries and stepping into my power as a woman’.
As Maya Angelou said:
“Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women”.
Request to reconsider and reframe
So with all this in mind the next time you think it's ‘unkind to say no’, I would urge you to pause and reconsider. Is that really true? What's really alive in you when that phrase rises up? What work needs to be done internally and relationally? What does the truthful and insightful part of you know is behind the situation? Who might you become if you were to realise it can be both wise and compassionate to learn to say 'no'.
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