Six Reasons why healthy boundaries are transformative for Highly Sensitive People
Often highly sensitive people can feel anxious about developing stronger, healthier, personal boundaries. We can fear losing friendships or upsetting people, facing up to conversations or people that we are afraid of and where we don’t want to irrevocably rock the boat even though we are struggling. We may block ourselves from action by focusing on our fears of rejection or disconnection whilst not recognising all there is to gain from this potential positive change of adjusting our personal boundaries. So in this article, I want to explore some of the possible transformational benefits.
1. Listening to your 'no' keeps you safe
The key reasons we develop healthy boundaries in the first place is to keep us safe and happy. Some of us may find ourselves in mentally, emotionally, physically detrimental, or abusive situations with partners, family, work colleagues or friends. It may be what we are used to, but it doesn't mean that it's healthy for us or good for our wellbeing.
Starting to recognise your limits and your needs can help you to begin to escape from situations or relationships that are harmful or inappropriate. Sometimes we may need support with this on different levels to help us take action safely. But starting to do the internal work can help us to stop falling into these situations or attracting these types of people which is what can happen if we're still working with the same mental blueprint that tells us we have to tolerate challenging or abusive behaviours or that's just the way the world is etc.
Often to do this we may also need to return to points in the past when our boundaries were not respected to heal the fear, anger and pain that was caused and which thereby created our boundary-denying habits as Empaths (which is where EFT can come in to help). However, when we do start to address this we have the ability to transform and change past patterns or behaviours and situations we are in. I love hearing the stories of my clients as they break through a new barrier or discover they are no longer triggered or feeling intimidated by a situation but are forging a new path.
2. Deepens connections
Contrary to the fear of disconnection, healthy boundaries can actually deepen connections with loved ones. Communicating how we feel and what we need AND being open to receiving the same in return can bring about much needed honesty, insight, understanding and closeness in relationships and friendships. In being authentic, we can experience a deepened connection through clarity of communication which we desperately need as HSP’s.
In being authentic about how we feel and what we need relating to our personal boundaries, this also gives others permission to do the same - as they learn, it's okay to ask too. Sometimes I suggest to HSP clients that they let their good friends know that they are practicing their boundaries, and if they will help them with this as it can feel clunky, awkward and uncomfortable so having encouragement can be helpful to begin to brave it. Remember healthy friendships and good friends will want you to be honest and will want to support you.
The beauty of neuroplasticity is that we can all learn and develop new habits which feel easier and natural with time and practice. NVC by Marshall Rosenberg is a great tool for communication and listening using the framework: ‘I feel (x emotion), I need (the need), would you be willing to z (make a request)’ as we are taking responsibility for our feelings and our needs then making a request. NVC also emphasises the need to be specific i.e. you ask for your need for ‘space’ to be met then qualify, whether that's five minutes, one hour, two days or six months - then we can all be clear to help reciprocate our needs. It can create understanding in conversation through interest and openness, rather than close it down with blame or shame.
3. Authentic, empowered and satisfied
When we start developing healthy boundaries, what is being asked of us is to be authentic and shine a light on our blind spots, be truthful about our whole experience. As in any given situation, different parts of ourselves can react with very different responses (and the negative ones do not invalidate the love or positive responses). If we encounter challenging behaviour, part of us may understand and have empathy, but another part of us might feel angry.
Now often what happens with many HSP’s that I work with is denial - unconscious denial of aspects of their whole emotional experience. It can feel more comfortable to deny, easier to please, safer to be silent but it can diminish our light, leave us frustrated, physically tense, confused and disconnected. We'd rather shine a light on the positive and the understanding responses and throw the anger or the rage into an internal locker and bury it. The issue is our anger is the one voicing our boundary. If we deny or ignore or silence, our anger we are not getting the message - we are not taking action. Eventually, our anger can build to disproportionate rage in situations.
But when we can begin to acknowledge that anger (or other rising emotions we would prefer to ignore) and what it is pointing towards - i.e. the lack of fairness, the need for respect, the injustice, the fear etc then recognise the boundary is being overstepped and articulating this, then we are moving towards authenticity and empowerment. Owning our truth is powerful; it can lead you to a deeply connected and satisfied life.
4. The limit of your capacity
Being boundaried about your time, your energy and your commitments helps you to manage your capacity. Each time you say no to one thing, you're actually saying yes to another. Such as:
No to more input (social media or otherwise) - yes to internal space
No to attending that event - Yes to downtime or rest
No to taking on another work project - yes to respecting your time and interests
No to repeated challenging behaviours - yes to loving relationships
No to another parental responsibility - Yes, to more energy and equality
No to tense of frustrating situations - Yes, to liberating your energy and feeling more ease
No to dashing around and doing everything for everyone - Yes, to slowing down and avoiding burn out etc
These are broad examples, but hopefully you catch my drift. Each time you say no and assert a boundary, you are actually saying yes on some level to what you do want or what you want to move towards. So you are protecting your container for your well-being and therefore, your capacity as a HSP is really invaluable. In doing this, you're actually growing your resilience and your energy. It can be brave to look at what's not working for you and call it out, but it is also incredibly liberating mentally, emotionally and physically - for your well-being.
5. Find your tribe
When we begin to be honest and clearer about our boundaries we may find that we move more easily towards ‘finding our tribe(s)’. This is because expressing our personal boundaries is defining what we value and what is important to us, not only what we need. People or communities that align with those values will start to emerge. We may not feel so alone when we have this much broader view. We can feel more supported by friends, mentors or communities who understand us deeply.
I'll give you an example, ever since I was a child, I was told I was an overthinker - that I thought about things too much. Throughout childhood, I was questioning the meaning of life, why we were here and my purpose - but my peers at school and my family were not thinking the same way. I felt very alone, and it was depressing. However, I remember in my 20s when I walked through the doors of the Buddhist Centre, I felt like I was coming home. Here are people inquiring about life in exactly the same way and I learnt that I was simply a deep thinker. Suddenly I felt like a weight was lifted as I found ‘my tribe’ or one of them who I could really feel met by, understood and seen.
Therefore, seeking out like-minded people asking the same questions or interested in the same topics as you can help you to find one of your tribes, so you can connect and feel supported in the world. We are also meeting less resistance because we are aligned in our values. This is what I find when I bring together HSP’s in a community in different forms, we realise we're not strange or weird or not coping, but there are others like us who are sensitive with similar needs and responses to the world. Together, we can learn from one another, and support each other.
6. Discovering your calling
As we start with healthy boundaries, we may discover this can take us in a new direction in terms of our work or opens up what we already do to new iterations. Why? Because when we get clear about what we do and don't want (in terms of our boundaries) we become clear on what is important to us. Saying no to certain - people, opinions, organisations etc can help us realise where we have been wasting our time and energy, leading us to question what we are truly passionate about or want to do or be.
Practicing healthy boundaries requires self-awareness - listening to our responses on every level: physical, mental, emotional and intuitive. It requires honesty and bravery to own how we feel, what we need, and to articulate this. This process requires greater self acceptance with regards to our own personal needs, personality make up and interests. We practise self enquiring to figure out our personal boundaries which can lead to greater clarity and realisations regarding your unique gifts. It can therefore ignite a questioning and search for a true sense of calling or purpose.
Related to this I also find with HSP clients that as their anxiety levels reduce and they feel more confident with boundary setting, the question of what should I be doing with my life arises. This is because if you have been dealing with chronic overwhelm, this often prevents you from living your true potential because you're in survival mode. As you exit this, and your energy, resilience and capacity begins to build, we are able to concentrate on our passions and develop the gifts of our sensitivity which can lead to a true sense of purpose in the world.
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