Ten signs you struggle setting boundaries as a highly sensitive person
As a highly sensitive person setting boundaries can feel like a struggle. If this is something you are working with, it can be useful to be able to recognise the signs that this struggle is even occurring. It will help you know that your boundaries are being over stepped. So I thought I would share some of the common responses that can signal your personal truth is being unheard or denied (you might be avoiding or burying your boundary unconsciously out of either discomfort or fear). These responses are not unique to HSP’s, but boundaries are an issue HSPs struggle with so these issues can be more evident. See which of the following sound familiar to you…
1. Saying yes when you mean no
Now I work with HSP’s whom I am aware can struggle expressing their boundaries, for varying reasons - to please, to stay safe, to make friends, traumatic past experiences etc so there can be a relearning that takes place - so they know that it’s okay to say no. For example, sometimes in a session I may ask a client if they want to try a particular technique or a different approach. Sometimes they may pause or hesitate, but then eventually say ‘yes’. But in these moments I feel a sense of doubt, so I will ask again, reassuring them it’s only an option and we don’t have to - that it’s okay to say no. They may revise their answer to a no I don’t want to, so we leave it or I might hear yes a 2nd time so we continue.
However when I tune into that client, I receive a strong no response from their body-mind, which might feel like meeting a black wall, seeing angry eyes or hearing the words 'no' or 'enough' - then I will feed that back to them suggesting we leave it. In response I can hear, ‘oh I said yes as I wanted you to like me but it feels too much’ or ‘I want to heal but I don’t feel ready to go there’ or actually ‘I don’t know you well enough yet to go there’. Their inner no had been overridden. Now at this point I explain to them that no needs to be respected and honored i.e. you don’t do the exercise, you finish the session early, get referred on - whatever is required. As a true friend and a trusted professional, we would not want you to say yes to please us as we will not want you to betray yourself - as it doesn’t serve you and it isn’t comfortable for us either. A true friend will want you to be true to yourself, to be empowered and to be happy.
2. Silent resentment
If you are a highly sensitive person who often says yes when you mean no and are denying your needs as you’re worrying about everyone else all the time - but no one seems to be doing the same in return, this can lead to building resentment and frustration, even secretive rage. You may experience empath rage and feel like two people on the inside and outside at times finding it hard to reconcile these (what can feel like) extreme differences in you - the kindness or understanding and the anger or rage.
If you are always deferring to the ‘nice’ voice within that says ‘I should be nice’, ‘I should understand’, ‘they’ve had a hard time’ so you say yes with a smile, ‘no problem’ but continually ignore that part of you that is not okay with it and says ‘no, I’ve had enough’, ‘I don’t want to do that’, ‘don’t speak to me like that!’ then eventually it will find a way out one way or another - or you will find yourself living unhappily with silent resentment as you don’t feel comfortable to be clear about your boundaries.
3. Holding physical tension
Our bodies can send a clear message when a situation has met a personal boundary through the tension in our bodies. We can think and say one thing, ‘yes that’s fine’, but in reality our emotional response, which may be a ‘no’ can be felt in our physical tension. In the west we have such a strong separation between mind, body and emotion - we can disconnect the impact of our emotional world from our physical symptoms completely. We simply do not relate our shoulder tension, that migraine, sudden back pain with being emotionally triggered. We are so skilled at denying aspects of ourselves that they can begin to present very loudly in the body as pain or tension.
As the Bessell van der Kolk book title says ‘The Body Knows The Score’ so in the case of expressing our boundaries, our emotions can articulate themselves through our body, which might otherwise be buried by the conjecture of our minds. Learning to come back to the body can help us register the truth of what we are needing moment to moment by listening to the emotion arising, becoming aware of our physical tension during or after making an agreement (should this be having a disagreement?) or having a difficult verbal exchange.
4. Panic and anxiety
When it comes to setting boundaries, if you find yourself experiencing excess fear before asking for what you need, perhaps trembling, heart racing, or panicking then you are likely to avoid setting boundaries as it feels uncomfortable. Maybe you associate being clear about your boundaries with confrontation and fear, conflict or disapproval - probably due to past experiences. You may even notice you feel somewhat frozen or feel overwhelmed.
Now we all have figures of authority in our lives who we find intimidating and asserting ourselves can bring up discomfort, but if excessive fear arises and prevents you from stating your basic needs day to day then this is something to look at and work with - as having clear boundaries does not need to be fear inducing. In fact it can prevent conflict by providing clarity and setting expectations, as well as enabling needs to be met. Think of it simply as knowing what you need and feeling comfortable to state that. But to reach this point of self assuredness and comfort, you will need to work with your subconscious triggers which EFT is great for.
5. Fogged and confused
Feeling foggy and confused is a way of the mind get mask feelings that might feel deeply uncomfortable or overwhelming - such as anger or fear. Sometimes we are deeply unhappy with a situation but do not wish to own or face the truth of our feelings, as perhaps in the past it wasn’t safe to do so, so it becomes masked in the fog and we can’t find answers. We don’t have clarity and can’t decide what to do.
I have a client with whom this experience has become somewhat humorous to them, as in their experience it's become very clear what the foggy feeling is covering up when it arises. ‘You know I’m feeling foggy about this issue…oh hang on (listening to the body)…no I’m angry! Ha!’ To them, anger is not acceptable or safe in their mind, so must be hidden. But the knowledge of what the symptom of the fog is acts as a personal signal for anger arising, which gives much quicker access to what is alive for you and what you need, to then be able to act on.
6. Worrying and overthinking
Overthinking and worry can be a barrier to acknowledging the embodied truth of how you are feeling when it comes to a personal boundary being crossed. If you find you are tying yourself up in mental loops thinking about all the different angles of the situation, you probably feel uncomfortable to sit in your own truth and trust that. Anxiety loves to proliferate but again this can just be a mask at times to avoid how you really feel and what you really want to do, as you fear upsetting someone or disrupting a relationship. So you churn over all the options in your mind and debate them to try to find a solution. How do I know? As that was me.
So how do you change? By coming back to the body and learning to listen to your immediate physical responses and trusting your intuitive no’s - which takes practice. You also need to be willing to act on it, allowing that to be okay and dropping the overthinking. Start simple. I will give you an example of decision making boundaries - ordering food off a menu. I used to find the options on a menu and indecision very stressful. So I started to set myself a time limit ie a minute, I scanned the menu, and noticed what my body responded to as a yes, i.e. a gentle uplift or lightness in the body perhaps, reduced it to two options and did the same exercise - then selected going with my bodies intuitive response again (regardless of my mind chatters, what if’s and maybes). Eventually, no indecision and no stress. Then you can start to apply the same principles to other decisions.
7. Going blank and not knowing
You maybe thinking that it's all very well and good to say, ‘come back to the body and listen to my response to feel my boundaries’, but my body feels numb and I go blank, so I don’t know what I need? Well, I would say, see it for the time being as information. Information that some feeling is being cut off from you as perhaps in the past it has felt overwhelming to experience or maybe there is a feeling arising now that you don’t want to acknowledge when it comes to your boundaries. Going numb may have kept you safe in the past from overwhelm.
When this happens not only can it be unsettling but also it can mean we don’t feel we have access to our own voice, we can’t hear what we think or feel which can feel frustrating or upsetting. If this is the case you are likely to need more support to unpack the dissociation that is happening to release the underlying emotions. But in the meantime know that this numbing has been keeping you safe and be kind to yourself. This response can change with EFT and you can develop a new self awareness, but for now go gently.
8. Continually apologising
If you are chronically apologising this is a sign you are highly unlikely to feel comfortable asserting your boundaries. You might be struggling with a low sense of self worth, feeling unworthy of an opinion or that your voice isn’t valid. Or perhaps your fear any conflict therefore don’t wish to upset people, so jump in with the apology immediately to ward off any problems. In this case it is probably going to be a struggle to value your own views and feelings, let alone articulate them.
I remember the first class I went to at the Buddhist Centre was on loving kindness meditation. I remember asking a question about boundaries - to which he replied ‘being a buddhist doesn’t mean you’re a doormat’. The same principle applies to highly sensitive people as part of our journey can actually be about learning to value ourselves equally as we are concerned for others and feeling comfortable to take up space too.
9. Asking for reassurance
If you spend a lot of time second guessing your decisions or picking over things you said in conversations in your mind and needing a lot of reassurance around how you acted or what you said - then this can be a sign that your feeling uncomfortable asserting yourself as you are continually doubting yourself. Wanting reassurance at times is of course human, but chronically doubting yourself and having a lack of self worth can lead you to invalidate your own experience and express your needs.
This self questioning can also be based on a fear of judgment or conflict so wanting to please or be near to ‘perfect’ to keep others happy. This is a recipe for denying your own needs once again. Beginning to develop a core sense of healthy self worth is key, to feeling ‘alright’ within; that you matter as much as anyone else so therefore it's okay for you to say what you need too.
10. Avoidance
What better way to resist creating boundaries than to avoid them completely huh? We can do this in all sorts of ways… Avoidance of how we feel can also take the form of stuffing down our emotions with alcohol, food, binging on social media etc…or by avoiding certain subjects in conversation, by avoiding certain people completely, by ignoring particular comments instead of addressing them. Of course we all need to pick our battles as they say and these acts can also be about self preservation - as certain people will never change so we need to learn how best to manage them, which may be about creating distance.
However, by not taking up space and being clear about what is and isn’t okay for us, or questioning challenging comments and owning our reactions, or simply being clear what we need, it can feed into our unhappiness or dissatisfaction as it keeps us disconnected from a deeper relationship with both ourselves and others. It can be easy for us and others not to grow, and for relationships to stagnate. But by being authentic in our day to day interactions, we can live more true to ourselves and growing our capacity by having our needs met more often.
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