Signs you're avoiding setting boundaries in your relationships
My daughter has this 'friend' – though I use that term loosely. This girl is hot and cold, mean one day and friendly the next.
I watch my daughter try to fix it. Being more friendly. Trying to understand. Being accommodating.
And I see myself, years of myself, reflected back at me.
I can't help but glare at this child. She's manipulative, and I know it. I tell my daughter straight: "She is not your friend. Friends don't do that."
Friends treat us with kindness and respect.
But here's what my daughter does – and here's what I've done for years: she keeps trying to make it work. Overthinking. Accommodating. Fixing.
Sound familiar?
I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately. Not the theoretical kind we scroll past on Instagram, but the real, messy, uncomfortable ones we actually need to set in our daily lives.
I think many highly sensitive people struggle with asserting their boundaries and end up falling into fixing, mediating, and avoidance to dodge the discomfort of conflict – which we find excruciating.
This can lead to huge amounts of our time and energy being tied up in managing people and situations to keep everyone happy, whilst denying our own basic needs and wants.
Here's what that actually looks like.
Fixing Instead of Calling Out
When your body knows you're uncomfortable, when something isn't right, and you respond by overthinking how to fix it – you're ignoring the signs your body is screaming at you.
You feel confused. You feel angry. It feels unfair and unjust.
But instead of calling out the behaviour, you're being nice. You're being understanding.
You're trying to work out what you did wrong. What you could do differently. How you could be clearer, kinder, more patient.
The avoidance? Not having the difficult conversation with the person about their behaviour. The conversation that could bring clarity or growth.
Or – and this might be the more realistic option – reducing contact and the energy we invest in the relationship to maintain our wellbeing. Which isn't always easy if we're in class or at work with them, but it's still a choice we can make.
Protecting and Mediating
I remember at school being the diplomat. Mediating between arguing parties, explaining the feelings of others in a way that was palatable for them to hear.
I thought I was being kind. Helpful, even.
But really? I was trying to resolve a situation I found uncomfortable, annoying, and stupid.
It wasn't all kindness. I was taking responsibility for other people's conflict because that's what I was used to at home. Talk to them, understand them, explain. Calm down, mediator.
Saving relationships
I had a situation recently with a venue. Repeated emails. Forgotten agreements. Their admin was a mess, and it was wasting my time, making me feel uncertain if the event was even going to happen.
But I kept giving them grace because they were a new venue.
Then came an email where a line got crossed. They pulled out on a non-negotiable: that the space would be private.
That was it. I pulled out.
I was annoyed but I also liked them. I also thought about the future. We're in similar circles. I might want to work there someday.
So I stayed diplomatic. Polite. Professional.
And I swallowed my frustration, I didn’t express it.
Protecting others
Here's what's strange: protecting others is something I can easily step up for and be fierce about. I always have been.
The inner mama-bear becomes very real when you're a parent. I have a no-bullshit policy with my daughter. Act badly? You're not seeing my child. I will have that conversation and remove her from the situation without hesitation.
But where does the mama-bear go when it comes to protecting ourselves? Our energy, our time, our ideas?
Sometimes protecting others feels easier than protecting ourselves.
It can feel emotionally painful to set boundaries for our own sake.
So to avoid the discomfort, to dodge confrontation, we take responsibility for others. They're not taking responsibility for themselves, so we step in to do it for them.
We're not direct about what we're not happy about because we want to avoid awkwardness – but we're annoyed about it anyway.
Controlling and Managing Situations
So highly sensitive people can end up putting enormous time and energy into managing challenging behaviours, people, and situations to keep things harmonious.
We end up:
Registering that someone is in a bad mood and spending energy 'keeping an eye on them'
Listening to people's problems to calm them down
Taking responsibility for other people's emotions
Managing to 'keep people away from each other' who we know have tension
Ushering the difficult person away and staying with them to avoid scenes
Smiling when that's not how we're feeling at all
Making jokes to keep things light
Controlling our temper, what we say, how we say it
All of it – all of it – is trying to avoid conflict and control the situation. Conflict can feel very frightening and threatening.
The avoidance? Dodging the discomfort of conflict itself and assuming responsibility for other people's emotions because they're emotionally immature or irresponsible (usually as this is familiar).
And we do this because we're good at it. Because it works, mostly. Because the alternative – the conflict, the tension, the potential rejection – feels worse.
Until it doesn't.
The Solution
The solution isn't becoming confrontational or aggressive. It's not about creating drama or being difficult.
It's about recognising that all this managing is draining your energy and taking up time and space – which is a precious, limited resource.
It's about managing how long you're there for. Saving your peace. Asking yourself: do I even need to go? Do I need to stay this long? Do I need to engage with this at all?
It's about recognising that being the person who fixes, mediates, and controls to avoid discomfort is still avoidance. It's still not setting boundaries.
My daughter is learning this. I'm still learning this.
The difficult conversation, the clear "no," the walking away – these aren't unkind acts. They're honest and realistic ones.
Not everyone deserves your time, energy, and attention. We need to choose what battles are worth fighting, who we value enough to give our energy to, what projects we want to devote our time to.
And maybe that's the boundary we all need to set first: with ourselves, about what we're willing to tolerate in the name of keeping the peace.
