How to quit being a social perfectionist and create healthy boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Person
Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are prone to being social perfectionists. If this is you, here are some tips on how you can work on the habit.
Prioritise your engagement levels
Classically highly sensitive people feel the need to give each person they engage with 100% of themselves - the highest quality of their attention (they give the focused time and energy needed to engage with the depth of the conversation required) whether this be their best friend or a stranger they've just met at the bus stop. We are ready, available and willing. Because we want to help, because we want to ease the pain, because we're interested, because we noticed the need. However, to engage with each person at this level is taxing of one's energy and capacity. Plus, frankly, it's not necessary.
I heard a brilliant phrase from Sam Bennett, a creative HSP, who said, highly sensitive people will give $100 of their energy to someone for an interaction that really is only a $2 exchange. We need to become more selective about who we share our time with, as well as the level of quality of attention and time we give them. The reasons for this are that some people are:-
Moaners - There are people who just want you to be the 15th person they repeat their story too, but have no plans on changing themselves or the situation, they want another person to moan to
Takers - There are the people that will take as much of your time and energy as they can, without regard to your own needs or resources and they do not take social cues that you need to stop talking or exit. They will just take, take, take.
Controllers - They will want to keep you captive and control the narrative, as well as eclipse your own needs within this relationship dynamic. There's often emotional manipulation and blaming in these relationships.
Yes, they may be unaware, yes, they may not be meaning to manipulate you, yes they might be suffering in this moment, however no, it is not your problem to take on EVERYONE'S deepest issues. We so want to help and to have deep meaningful relationships, but we do not need to do this with every single person. As HSPs we need to be more discerning and boundaried around how we gift our time and energy, because it is a gift and we have limits.
We need to recognise when it is valuable or important to be deeply available, and when we only need to invest 2% of our interest or energy to listen for five minutes. This approach keeps us resourceful when it is important, instead of pouring our energy down the drain when it's unnecessary. Trust me, the adjustment makes a massive impact on you, that will not even be noticed by others. Pick your people - the inner circle, who you would jump on a plane with to support at bad times and those on the outer circle, you can acknowledge and be kind to, but you don't need to give hours of your time.
Not everyone's pain is your problem
Now, I have a hunch what your response to my opening paragraphs might be, because I used to have them…
But they are in pain!
But I don’t think anyone else is listening to them!
But I can’t just walk away!
But it’s ‘not nice’ to disengage and not listen!
But they don’t have the money to get help…
But I will hurt them if I say no! And so on…
Just the thought of being boundaried with your time and energy can be very triggering for a highly sensitive person. However, as a HSP, you're likely to be a chronic ‘over giver’ and may be dealing with depletion, exhaustion or bubbling frustration or resentment because of this. Now, unless your energy is like the parable of Jesus, who could produce endless amounts of bread from one basket to feed a community, you will, in fact, have limited inner resources to give. We can think of our energy like a picnic, we need to be realistic about the spread on offer and decide who we offer what resources we have to. What or who is our focus?
I used to live under the illusion that I could ‘help’ everyone at least that's what I wanted, help by listening, help by giving insight, help by being available and so on - to every person at the bus stop or colleague in the hallway or acquaintance in a meditation class, as well as friends, family and partner... My need to give felt so great it eclipsed any sense of personal capacity I had, however I was also trying to manage my own pain by reducing the suffering of others which I felt was unbearable at times.
However it was just that, an illusion. There is only ever one person who is responsible for truly alleviating their own emotional pain or making change - that is ourselves. Some people have no intention of taking responsibility for dealing with their deepest issues and it's not your problem to take on. It’s not. The choice to face oneself or deal with a problem, really has to come from within. Then we will make the change or seek the right help.
You’ll know this for yourself. For everyone, there is a right time and a ripe attitude - we have to be receptive, willing and ready to do the deep work. However in the meantime you do not need to be everyone's hallway or check out therapist, that is not your responsibility. You need to be clear with yourself when you have the capacity to give or the willingness to, and when you don't. It’s a choice, to be realistic and kind to yourself too.
I literally say to myself now, when I see someone struggling but I don’t have capacity, “they are their own responsibility, they make their own choices”. Otherwise, I feel my boundaries start to bleed and I've become very depleted as I am energetically reaching out to someone to help them, pulled by their pain.
However, now I would rather save my energy for those who are really ready to make change or who are resourced to do it, so I can make an impact in their lives. I can go deep, support others and help to create change that way - one to one. So I know I am making a difference, making an impact. You can find your own way to do this too, by choosing those people you will go deep with. We can be friendly and kind, we can have surface talk, but I don’t need to dive into their deepest problems, if I don’t have capacity that’s okay. That’s being human, that’s making wise and sensible choices.
Stop taking on everyone's pains and problems
YOU CAN’T HELP EVERYONE. You might want to, but you can't, that's just a fact of life. But that's not how most highly sensitive people behave. We can act like sponges in the world, walking around, mopping up, everyone's pain and problems - albeit unconsciously. This altruistic and kind behaviour can be a natural empathic state, the desire to help and be of service, however can also be masking unhelpful habits created by our past conditioning.
If, for example, you had a caregiver who was emotionally immature or abusive and you took on the emotional labour for them, then you will be used to taking on the emotional caretaking responsibility for others without thinking. You may unconscious, not trust others to take responsibility for themselves or care for themselves, I know I did, so your mindset can be that you need to ‘fix it’ for them to make the situation more comfortable - for the two of you! As we sense other people's distress, it can also feel painful for us. We therefore need to address our motivations and ask how this habit has been created by our past.
Somatic empathy is a skill all humans have, however, as highly sensitive people, it is amplified. Therefore, we can literally feel the pain of others, both physically and emotionally as though it's our own. This is why it's important for us to develop our embodied self awareness to look after ourselves and learn to release absorbed emotions. We also need to place boundaries around our time with others to look after ourselves.
I'll give you an example of this, more recently, I reduced the number of clients I was seeing one-to-one. Why? Because I was taking on too much of other peoples experiences. I am deeply impacted by their stories and our sessions, I feel it in my body and we deal with challenging experiences. To support me in my work I have regular body code sessions and do self intuitive healing, to clear any absorbed emotions or cording from others that I may pick up on during my work with clients and also to clear any triggers that come up for me. For me to do my work effectively, I have to take my self-care very seriously. This is true for all HSPs - therapists or not. We have to be realistic about the demands our sensitivity brings and cater for this or our health will be effected - mentally, emotionally or physically.
The world needs us to stay positive and grounded to be available to help. If our nervous system is fried and we feel continually overwhelmed by processing the experience of not only ourselves but others, we can't help anyone. This is why we need to be boundaried with our time and filter our attention. It's too easy for us to feel not only the pain of the individual, but also the collective. The news, for example, is a constant barrage of fear and negativity. Yes, we need to stay informed with world events, but all they focus on is the negative - which is just not a balanced view OR the truth of what's happening.
For as Roger Bregman who wrote the book ‘Humankind’ argue human nature is inherently good and society is statistically improving. So yes, be aware there is another earthquake or a tsunami or a civil war breaking out but don't be reading every detail or every event. We need to pick the events that move us, the causes we want to be aware of and support financially where we can. To be truly effective in the world, we need to get clear on a zone of influence. Who can I help most effectively with my time and energy? But block out the rest. I mean it. Buy the Positive News - focus on the good happening in the world and where you ARE able to help.
Quit trying to make everyone happy
It's important as a highly sensitive person to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The problem with being very sensitive is that you have a heightened sense of awareness of how others are feeling. Therefore, in certain social situations, where for example - anger arises or awkwardness or shame - to a non HSP this may feel perfectly bearable or not even noticeable. However, to you, with your heightened social awareness it may feel excruciating!
For example, my mum had a friend visiting with her partner. I have met her briefly once before. I came into the kitchen and everyone was laughing and joking, but to me the sense of her grief was so palpable I thought someone had died, and yet no one else was aware, including her partner. So I asked a couple of times pointedly if she was okay? To which she said yes, trying to shoo me away. It was only later after with her partner then probing that she revealed that she had decided to move back to Australia to be close to her children, and what I was sensing, was her grief around knowing she would be ending her relationship - but she hadn’t told him yet. This is just an example of how acutely we make sense of something, and yet others may be completely unaware (when we assume it is obvious to everyone else as well but it’s not!)
So this is where we can step into a social mediator role. Well, we're so aware of the feelings and needs of those around us that we try to tend to these to create harmony in the environment socially. This is a clever and underrated skill. However, it also can be a taxing one as our nervous system is hyper aware and cautiously connecting with all those around us, which takes energy! Also, to please the needs of the many we can end up deferring our own needs to hold space, so we are in a safe and happy situation which can for some lead to people pleasing tendencies.
Again, this can be created in childhood if we've had a disruptive home environment or needed to watch our caretakers' moods carefully, and then adjust ourselves to keep them happy - this can apply to highly critical or narcissistic or emotionally volatile parents. It can become hard to hear the voice of our own needs, as we are continually worried about how others are feeling or what they are thinking. We can spend too much time and energy trying to make everything ‘nice and okay’.
However, the truth is that some behaviours and situations are not acceptable. Instead of appeasing certain characters, actually we may need to stand up to them, or their behaviour or even walk away - rather than appease them. Our empowerment comes when we realise we will never make everyone happy, not everyone will like us - and that’s okay. Do you like everyone you meet? No right? Because we all have different interests and different values. It's okay to protect yourself, your values and your needs too. But we need to learn to listen to how WE really feel in the moment, what WE really think (instead of suppressing thoughts) and begin to act on this. Because then you can concentrate your energy and time, on what really matters to you, creating an authentic life that is rich and meaningful.
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