Making friends with your Anger: A Protector and Messenger
Anger has a bad reputation and can be top of the emotional suppression list for many, especially for women. This isn’t without good reason, here are some;
We can fear the destructive power of anger and the pain it can cause to others
We want to avoid the disharmony or disconnection it can create in relationships
We fear our anger might make a volatile situation worse
We fear expressing our anger might mean we are rejected
We inhibit our anger; it can feel shameful, socially unacceptable and unwelcome
Our anger can feel in opposition to the peace and compassionate we want in our lives
So why on earth am I suggesting to make friends with your anger? Well let's reflect on why we experience anger. What is the purpose of anger?
Protection from threat
Well firstly, anger - or rage, can arise as an instinctive response to a perceived threat. A threat to our safety. It’s part of your fight-flight response, when we feel unsafe, powerless, threatened or are attacked (verbally, emotionally or physically) anger can arise. On an instinctive level, the power of rage is activated to protect you, or our loved ones in that threatening moment. Empowering you to fight to survive or keep you safe. Rage could be key to your survival in a moment of danger.
Voice of boundary
Anger therefore is a powerful messenger that articulates the voice of our boundary. It can be there to protect. Anger can arise not only to protect our safety, but other boundaries as well:
Our anger can be a voice for when your personal needs are unmet
Our anger can also communicate when our ethical and moral boundaries have been crossed.
Our anger can give us the fire and energy required to act, to create change, to speak up.
Anger can be a powerful messenger, calling us back to our authentic self by communicating our NO! - calling you to listen to your needs.
Let's do a little exercise together.
Try reading these sentences out loud or in your mind with a short pause in between each to catch your reaction… just to see how they feel to say them and embody the words:
No, that’s enough
No, I’m not happy with that
No, I’m not having that that anymore
No, that’s not acceptable to me
No, don’t speak to me like that
No, this isn’t right
No, don’t do that
No, don’t criticise me
No, that’s unfair
No, that’s disrespectful
How did it feel…? Were certain sentences harder than others? Was it enjoyable at all…? In this short exercise you just practiced articulating clear boundaries, unapologetically and fearlessly. This can be done without anger but rather from a place of power which we can experience once we transform our anger (more on that another time).
Messenger of Hurt
Anger can also have another message for us: that of our unheard or unresolved emotional pain from the past. The anger caused by the pain of being unable to escape a traumatic experience, anger due to the pain of how unfairly we were treated, anger from the pain of the insults and disrespect we received…etc. Your anger can be pointing to your remaining emotional hurt. It is calling for your attention, understanding and healing which you can work on with EFT.
Of course this can be easier said than done if experiencing your rage feels terrifying, as I know it did for me. Acknowledging the message of your anger might mean facing up to a situation you know could require dramatic change if you own your true feelings, or you may suppress your anger so well you never feel it or you have shut down from it so don’t know where to start... But that’s where it serves to have support and encouragement in a therapeutic context.
Working with your anger
In a session when we listen to and acknowledge your anger and rage, both past and present, to Tap through it, enabling the emotion to resolve and evolve. Then, once the anger that still lives in your subconscious mind and body from challenging or traumatic events is released with Tapping - you can drop into a deep sense of calm, feel the return of joy and love, feeling able to be present and at ease in your own power.
So, when I suggest making friends with your anger, I’m not encouraging you to nurture your frustration, irritation or self righteous anger etc and deepen habitual reactions, far from it. I think it’s wise to aim to move towards compassion, acceptance and clear communication for a happier life but you can’t do that by denying your true feelings, but by acknowledging them, transforming them and letting go which requires honesty.
Therefore, if you can, begin to see your anger as a powerful messenger, compelling you to act; trying to protect your safety, communicating when your boundary has been crossed and pointing to your hurt, then you are going to move towards the transformation and healing you desire.
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