Three Ways Parenting contributes to Anxiety, Depression and Overwhelm
Being a parent can be a wonderful gift but that doesn’t mean it's not tough or really difficult at times. If you are finding the job of parenting overwhelming you’re not alone. The domestic grind of being a parent can be depressing and anxiety provoking, for both stay at home or return to work mums / dads. It’s easy to feel tired, over-stretched or overwhelmed from the additional demands of parenting.
If you're wondering why your anxiety and depression levels have increased since becoming a parent; here are three suggestions of how the role might be contributing to how you’re feeling.
1. Relentless = Exhausting
Being a parent, particularly in the early years, is relentless. It is a 24/7 job and sometimes there are literally no breaks. The list of tasks, which are usually dull (let's be honest) from dawn until dusk doesn’t seem to end and an average day can easily be 14 hours without a break.
This takes its toll day in, day out – you’re not a robot. Being a parent can be exhausting.
Going to work can feel like ‘a break’! Having adult conversations, being able to schedule your time, have some ‘quiet’ and your body to yourself (if you have a baby or a toddler) quite honestly can feel like a relief.
Being on the go constantly can leave you wired. This may impact on your ability to switch off and sleep, that’s without the potential of being woken up by your child/ren. A lack of sleep will have a big impact on your mental wellbeing.
We all need to rest, pause and re-energise but when you are a parent that can seem like a fantasy or a joke. Stopping doesn’t seem like an option and often it isn’t. Time to yourself may be squeezed in to the very end of the day when your quality of energy is non-existent or your mind feels like a useless blob.
How will this affect your mental health?
Well, when you are feeling run down this can leave you with low reserves and less resilience to the bumps on the road of life. Being unable to take a break or a breather, can feel overwhelming, taking you to emotional breaking points.
2. No Space = Boredom
Being a parent can be boring, sometimes really boring…. There, I said it!
Why? Well, it’s not the most thrilling or stimulating of jobs at times is it? The domestic chores that need doing in service of the family – even if you get help with this, the constant tidying up, making three meals a day, doing kiddy activities that may not be that exciting (at least not for hours on end, even if you love spending time with children!) like standing around in the playground in the rain….
Then there is dealing with your child/ren’s emotional rollercoaster days which will differ depending on the age they are at... trying to be patient when they have another tantrum when you’re sleep deprived, or trying to catch them as they run off in the opposite direction in a shop shouting or doing a nappy change for the sixth time in an afternoon when they are screaming and wiggling...
It can be emotionally demanding and draining. The lack of space and lack of enough engaging personal activities can get depressing.
THAT’S OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child/ren. You’re not failing if you’re not enjoying it everyday. Some of us will find it harder than others.
I remember my mum said “I didn’t think you would find it so hard” which surprised me, because I knew I would! I had always felt allergic to routine, domestic life and well, other people’s children (that has changed now) so I knew I would find it tough.
I also knew getting back to work on some level and having intellectual stimulation was going to be really important to me.
How might the lack of space and boredom be affecting your mental health?
You may find yourself ‘numbing out’ at times, ‘switching off’ or disengaging to cope. If you’re feeling low, you may be finding it harder to concentrate, your mind feeling foggier or not as sharp. You might find your energy drops, your general enjoyment of life is low and your thoughts are in a negative spiral.
3. Thankless giving = Resentment
As a parent you are often, or usually, putting the needs and wants of your child/ren (and family) before your own. Trying to be patient, listening to them and giving them what they need to learn and grow which can be hugely satisfying.
But then there are the days when you are low on reserves, you’ve not slept enough, when you are not doing enough of what makes you feel alive as an individual or as a mum, your PMS arrives and you realise you have had enough, of everything.
Those days when you finally sit down and you hear your child/ren call you, but all you feel is dread. You just don’t want to go. You feel burnt out and maybe upset or angry, because you just need to sit down for ten minutes and give yourself some time...
You might feel resentful like you’ve had enough and just want to be left alone.
When the balance we need, or some resemblance of it, has gone and we are in give-give-give mode 24/7, it can just get too much. Feeling resentful, frustrated or just damn angry about the situation, from both my own and also my clients experience, is quite normal.
Parenthood is no fairy tale most of the time. Dealing with tasks that are boring, repetitive, tiring – tasks that don’t give you a real sense of achievement, that you don’t get thanked or paid for… well, who would be happy with that everyday?
I think this especially becomes a real issue if you find it hard to assert your needs in your relationships so don’t ask for more help, or you don’t have a supportive partner, therefore take on too much or you may think you should just have no needs and be able to keep on giving…*cough* Sound familiar? All of this will add to the mix.
So if you are feeling resentful about all that you are giving, even in just fleeting moments, and you feel bad about it, don’t worry, it just makes you human. Others are feeling it too but you may not hear them say it.
How will this continual giving impact your wellbeing?
Your negative emotions maybe stacking up in the background. You might start to feel full, easily triggered, or over stretched holding it together. Keeping all the plates spinning, in the many ways you give, can also cause stress and anxiety. If you have no outlet for how fed up or angry you feel, then it may start to play out in relationship dynamics or manifest as physical pain or tension in the body.
So, what can you do about it?
In short, START TAPPING. You could start by Tapping along with the mini Tapping sessions above.
Reflect on the areas above that resonated with you the most, sense how you feel, being honest with yourself. Hear the thoughts that are coming up, let them flow in your mind whilst Tapping…
Tap for short periods if you don’t have much time, for five or ten minutes. You can even finger tap, whilst standing in the playground with your child/ren for example and no one will notice, I speak from experience! Let it flow...
“I’m sick of doing the laundry...I’m so, so tired...nothing ever changes...I’m just so angry they said that!...I don’t want to make dinner AGAIN” etc… hear the voice in your mind, you don’t need to say it out loud, leave it uncensored as no one needs to hear.
The intensity of the emotion will start to shift, gifting you more internal positive space and some relief, ultimately moving you into a more loving state. If you are in a very intense place and are feeling overwhelmed, you might need to get some help to resolve old triggers.
“Being a parent is both the hardest and the most rewarding thing you will ever do” was the phrase I heard repeatedly from friends before I became a mum, and it's true. You can still be very much in love with your child/ren but not always enjoy the often lonely job of being a parent. Tapping can help make the job easier, especially on the tough days.
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