The blight of perfectionism and the garden novice
My front garden has been sitting in an embarrassing state of abandonment and neglect for several years. I pulled out the original planting as the style was not to my liking and it was overgrown. I was getting ready to re-landscape but with the birth of my daughter I found I simply didn't have the energy or time to tend to it (she is 3.5 years old now as I write).
What held me back alongside this was an insidious belief constructed by my perfectionism - that I needed to become a highly knowledgeable gardener before I begun gardening (an irony not lost on me) i.e. I should be able to recite plant names, identify my soil type, perfectly select appropriate shade or sun loving plants…etc. I ended up ignoring the garden and focussed on container planting in the backyard as that felt safe.
This would have been a surprise to myself fifteen years earlier, when I lived in a damp garden-less flat in Manchester, as I listened to Gardeners World whilst cooking dinner pining for a patch of earth to nurture. However once I had one I felt frozen and didn't know what to do with it.
It wasn't until a friend and neighbour who is known as an avid gardener confessed “I’m scared to put these plants in the ground as I don’t know how big they’ll get”, that I realised, of course even seasoned gardeners don't know everything before they plant out!
I suddenly felt freed up to experiment and make mistakes.
I realised the obvious - of course I won't know! It takes practice, I will read more as I go along and I will learn from my mistakes. I just have to do it. The mental block was dissolved. It was a liberating turning point for me and within a week I was down the garden centre buying all the plants on my list, transforming the front garden into the little bee haven I was dreaming of.
So what did I learn from this experience? Well several things.
The power of honesty and vulnerability a connecting path
My friend's confession was a keen reminder to me of the liberating power of honesty and how transformative that can be. When we feel we're not alone it can be freeing. It was one of those ‘oh it's not just me’ moments that gave me permission to take a leap, step into the unknown and give it a go because I knew it was ‘normal’ to feel a bit nervous about it, with or without years of experience.
Alongside that, when she owned her mild anxiety of not knowing what she was doing, in that moment, I felt a deeper connection to her. Not only because the same worry resonated with me but because something a little tender was being revealed. I only know her to be strong, grounded, not phased by challenges and capable, because she is, but in that flash of an omission before we moved on, I felt I witnessed a more vulnerable side of her which felt precious.
It reminded me of a fear I've had to wrestle with, that in revealing an insecurity or lack of knowledge, that a mask of ‘perfection’ will drop, losing me the respect of friends or colleagues as I will not be seen as strong or be as valuable. But trying to present as though everything is okay all the time, when it's not, is a lonely place to live and can factor into depression and anxiety - as we feel disconnected, unseen, unheard and leave ourselves emotionally stranded, dealing with everything alone.
I have learnt I can have struggles and still have wisdom that benefits others. I have also learnt that when I own what is alive for me, (contrary to my fear of rejection) that this actually allows for a depth of connection and authenticity that I thirst for. But to receive it requires risking vulnerability, demands the courage to be honest and a willingness to own the parts of us we find difficult or even hate, like our anxieties. But in doing so we can find satisfying, deep connections and true friendship.
Judging yourself harshly by forgetting the context
A few months on, as the plants began to establish themselves in glorious flower - I began to silently kick myself, becoming more self critical and angry, wondering why on earth I didn't do this years ago?! Angrily beginning to think I had been lazy or disorganised, feeling disappointed and annoyed at myself. I was looking to place blame for my annoyance and it landed on me.
However, I am wise to this self flagellation tendency I have now. So as I could hear it happening I caught my spiraling thoughts after a little time elapsed, then I mentally recalled the context of life over the last few years and why it hadn’t happened: caring for a young child, surviving the pandemic, health issues, starting a new business, finding the money, parenting exhaustion - a host of reasons.
Remembering the conditions I was in helps me to become more gentle, kind and understanding towards myself. I’m still a bit disgruntled, but it's not personal now, it's easing and distant now.
It’s too easy to be self critical in retrospect, by forgetting the pressures of the past and judging yourself ‘for not doing better’. Sound familiar to you at all? We can fail to remember how we felt and the state of mind we were in at the time - then judge ourselves harshly. Remembering the context is a way to compassionately connect to ourselves, gently tending to what is under our anger, regret or sadness. So that’s what I tried to do, stay present, hear the thoughts and be kind.
Perfectionist paralysis limiting personal growth
Setting aside the life conditions I was in at the time, I do confess to a mental block around planting because I wanted it to be ‘BEAUTIFUL!’ which can lead me to some form of perfectionism paralysis. I didn't want to slap in some random cuttings I was being offered (very kindly by friends), I wanted a cohesive colour palette, a bee friendly haven, a sense of harmony and rhythm in the planting…can you sense the grandiose vision in my mind?! So instead I quietly scrolled through pinterest for two years researching like a garden design detective, whilst, mostly, hiding under a blanket in the dark waiting for my daughter to fall asleep whilst dreaming up an amazing garden in my mind.
In a way, what does that matter if I was taking my time researching or being somewhat perfectionist about the project? Well it can be useful to sense when our fear of imperfection is putting the brakes to a project or some other aspect of our life. We can waste a lot of time and energy wanting something to be ‘perfect’ when in reality it never can be; as even when you plant out the ‘perfect’ selection of plants - the slugs are going to make a meal of your favourite lupins and black fly will destroy the trumpets of some unlucky foxgloves, I speak from experience. Reality will compost your perfectionist fantasy everytime.
This reminds me of an inspiring Ted talk I love called ‘Do schools kill creativity?’ by the wonderfully witty educational reformer, and great storyteller Sir Ken Robinson. In it he mentions how our fear of making mistakes directly affects our creative ability - that our willingness to have a punt and get it wrong, correlates to our ability to generate new ideas. So what if our fear of imperfection or falling short of some ‘ideal’, is a footsoldier for the fear of making mistakes and it is limiting our potential as a human being - well then I say we have a problem. Our perfectionism can then be restricting our personal growth, limiting our joy and preventing authentic expression; which inadvertently can fuel depression and anxiety.
Final reflection
In the case of my garden experience, I have to say the weight of my inaction really did fall in the camp of a deficiency of time and energy on this occasion. But I was aware of the cement mixer my perfectionism was gradually feeding towards the end ready to solidify my feet in inertia. Sometimes that awareness is enough to get us to make a move, for me it was the defibrillating hit of honesty from a friend that got me to the garden centre. But at other times it can be useful to Tap on the issue, using EFT to release those mental hang ups to free you up to explore your joyful modes of self expression and transcend to embody your full potential.
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