Five ‘shadow’ blocks preventing your emotional healing
There can be many factors that prevent us from walking into a therapeutic space, some of those barriers are practical; unworkable circumstances or problematic timing, a lack of resources - child care, time or money, a lack of energy or emotional capacity to name a few. But outside of resources, sometimes the biggest roadblock to embarking on a healing journey is actually ourselves and shadow beliefs, fears or habits preventing it from happening.
Now I say this as someone who has danced with all the little devils I am listing, so this isn’t a point and judge exercise, but rather an attempt to place a spotlight on potential blindspots that may be keeping you trapped in an emotional downward spiral. They are also incredibly common habits to play out and perspectives to have about our experience. Quite honestly I regret not having dispelled some of these myths earlier for myself and exposed some of these habits sooner as they really did stop me reaching out for the help I needed. So I want to save you the trouble of feeling the same by shining a knowing light on these shadowy issues to give you a leg up.
1. Self comparison and a false sense of perspective
“It wasn’t that bad, others have had it much worse”...“I can’t complain really, I should be grateful”. These are words I often hear from clients who attempt to wave away omissions of challenging, often abusive or traumatic childhood experiences. It's a societal habit, an attempt to not dwell on oneself but think of others and regain a more positive perspective or outlook on our experiences by placing it in ‘the grand scheme of things’.
But how does this unconscious habit of self comparison - often to the worst imagined possible traumas in the world, harm us? Well this deflection can become a way of dismissing our experience. It is insignificant compared to the traumas of others, therefore it does not deserve acknowledgement or require attention. It is labeled as too trivial to warrant attention and so we don’t seek the support we may need, remaining in a cycle.
But this self comparison or attempt to reframe your experiences with a sense of ‘perspective’ in fact simply invalidates your emotional pain and wellbeing. It can also increase your sense of isolation, my problems don’t count. Also sometimes we lack the knowledge to see our experiences clearly. We don’t realise that what was our ‘norm’’ could actually be on the spectrum of verbal or emotional abuse. Or that our ‘normal’ upbringing caused trauma symptoms for us.
Your emotional pain matters and deserves no comparison, it deserves your self compassion. It’s not self indulgent or selfish or self absorbed to tend to your own hurt, but rather it’s wise to tend to your wounds, when we are not battling our inner demons; then we feel happier, more positive, are resourced and have a greater capacity to give to the world, but first we have to admit to and attend to our hurt.
2. Fear of weakness and needing to be strong
‘I need to stay strong’, ‘I can’t ask for help’, ‘I mustn't talk about it’ or ‘I mustn't be weak’. Have any of these thoughts gone through your mind…? Well you’re not alone.
Many of us fear appearing weak. We don't want people to think less of us, that we are not capable or strong. So we might bottle up how we feel, what we are thinking or don’t share or ask for help when we are struggling. This habit might be born out of different circumstances for example; as a walling off in an act of defiance towards an aggressive or bullying parent who calls us ‘pathetic - useless - weak’, or perhaps we didn’t want to be a further burden during a challenging time to our family so learnt to stay quiet stay silent ‘stay strong’, as we are not able to ask for what we need. Also this can arise as a trauma response to abandonment - we can become hyper independent - so not needing to rely on anyone, which will keep us safe.
The ‘keep calm and carry on’ social doctrine can lead us to carry the weight of chronic anxiety and depression as we believe to stay strong is to stay silent and just keep going. When actually it’s an unrealistic notion that we can do everything ourselves. Our whole world is interconnected and we rely on each other for everything - food, goods, services etc. We don’t live in a vacuum, we are interconnected social beings. That's why we have specialists in different fields and trades (plumbers, doctors, accountants etc), so we can go to them to get the particular help we need. Our mental health and emotional wellbeing is no different.
We can’t fix every problem alone. Particularly when it comes to mental health so it's helpful to have a guide to help hold a space to process emotionally challenging experiences, question unhelpful beliefs and help you get to the core issues - so you can experience release and change (as we do in EFT). Therefore I think we need to shift our understanding of what it means to be ‘strong’. As true strength is turning inwards when there are demons we don’t want to face, moving towards pain we don’t wish to look in the eyes. True strength is reaching out, feeling vulnerable and saying, I’m at my limit now and I need some support.
3. Being armoured and difficulty trusting
Opening up and sharing our feelings and experiences in a therapeutic context can feel really scary. Especially if our trust has felt betrayed in the past, it can feel hard to step into that space. We may resist therapy for different reasons, one being that opening up and trusting a stranger, albeit a professional, then recalling some of our most challenging or shameful memories sounds painful and uncomfortable. Who wants to do that?(!)
Meanwhile our fear of being hurt again can make it really hard to let down our guard. Out of distrust, are watchfully defensive, distancing ourselves from others, being unwilling to share true feelings or vulnerability. These responses were created to protect us, armouring us to survive painful situations. However instead of being a solution it might now be creating a problem.
Our difficulty trusting and opening up may leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves as well as others, feeling isolated and left alone to cope with our emotional burdens. It can also be very draining to maintain and hold defensive or distancing reactions. In addition, it can prevent us from accessing more authentic deep connections, feeling the liberating lightness of honesty and being able to receive love.
So what do you do if you are facing these barriers? Well I'm going to offer you a couple of reassurances to console your fear. Firstly in terms of letting down your guard, therapeutic practitioners know the courage it takes to open up and we understand the trust it takes to do that as we have been on our own therapeutic journey. It feels like a great privilege when someone feels willing to be vulnerable with you, it feels like a sacred sharing. We honor that with our understanding, empathy and commitment to your journey, creating a safe space for you to be seen and heard.
Secondly I want to remind that part of you that finds it hard to trust that if you step into a therapeutic relationship and decide it's not the right fit for you, be it the style or that particular professional, you can choose to walk away, you're not stuck. I think it's important to remember you’re in control. This might take some of the pressure off entering that space, knowing you can leave if ultimately you don't feel comfortable or have difficulty trusting the therapist.
4. Avoidance and distraction
One way we all manage our emotional pain or problems is to avoid it, which we can do by distracting ourselves (!) Yes this is a successful strategy we all take from time to time using different methods - knowingly or unknowingly! We can do this for good reasons too; we are trying not to dwell on the past and just get on or move on, we don’t think it’s that bad, or we just don’t feel we have the capacity to deal with it or want to go there right now etc which may all be valid… so perhaps we make plans, get on with our to-do list or put a comforting film on, or eat some soothing food.... You’re functioning, things are okay.
But sometimes we reach a point where we are just no longer okay. Where our emotions are starting to overwhelm us, the voices of anxiety, depression and anger are all screaming - but we are actively trying to push it all back into the box inside us whilst telling ourselves and everyone else ‘I’m fine! I’m fine! Everything is fine!’.
This is when distracting ourselves and keeping busy may become a problem because now you are just pretending to be okay and are avoiding the truth. It may be because you don’t know what else to do - I know because I’ve been there. But if you know you need help, don’t distract yourself. We usually know in our gut when we have an issue we need to deal with but we are actively choosing to avoid or ignore it which we often do out of fear. No one really wants to ‘poke’ at their painful past. But with EFT, facing it really means releasing the emotional pain, and shifting your mental states, leaving you feeling SO much better in daily life, it's totally worth it !
5. Unrealistic expectations and quick solutions
Unfortunately, we live in a quick click, quick fix culture in the modern world and we are used to reaching out to fulfill a need almost immediately at times. But with emotional healing, it doesn’t work like that. Although we might want to feel better - like, yesterday (!) releasing layers of long term emotional trauma and shifting habitual patterns is a process that isn't an overnight fix. That said however with EFT you can experience transformational results in a relatively short period of time, over the weeks and months from the first session, but it's not a click of the fingers and each person's time frame is slightly different.
To become free is not without effort, we have to turn up and do the work. Many people will go their whole life finding a way to avoid (or run from) the process of inner healing and personal transformation (others may lack the awareness that it is possible or the resources to create real change). But to quote Brene Brown “The middle is messy, but it is also where the magic happens” - the transformational process of emotional healing with EFT is about unpacking the mess to bring clarity, releasing emotional tension in the body and shifting your mental perspectives. It can take effort, energy, trust, faith and courage. But oh my it’s worth it, as it's a life changing experience - for the better! The journey ultimately leads to insight, emotional freedom, peace and greater wholeness.
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