Five ‘Shadow Sides’ of being an Empath
There is a shadow side that can be unknowingly present beneath the empathic traits of highly sensitive people that might be easy to ignore or go unnoticed. But unless we acknowledge the grey areas or intentions behind typical Empath traits and how our make up as a highly sensitive person impacts our relationships or how we experience the world, we can’t heal the related wounds or work with those behaviours and that’s where the true growth takes place. So to honor the complexity of our human experience, these are some of the shadow beliefs and behaviours that can play out as an Empath and highly sensitive person:
Overwhelmed and not available for others
“You’re not always very available, you know” is a phrase I have heard from two of my closest friends more than once. “Sometimes you disappear” and it’s true, I do, to survive and cope. It’s not something I’m proud of, I want to be available but I can hit a wall, reach my limit then ‘drop out of circulation’ seemingly more quickly than other non HSP’s.
This is one of the biggest ironies of being highly sensitive - being able to physically feel the emotional pain of others affords you deep empathy for others but it can also become overwhelming and too much to bare the suffering of so many so you’re not always available when friends might need you.
You might find yourself cutting off or checking out either in the moment to cope. or withdrawing from the world, by ignoring your phone or emails - becoming less available to friends or family because it’s suddenly all too much.
Empathy drought - Why can’t they see?
Empaths often feel like they have a sign over their head saying ‘tell me your problems’. Even strangers on the bus will tell us their life story. The truth is, one of the reasons it took me 15 years to do the work I do now is because I was fed up of listening to people's problems and being everyone's therapist in my personal life (!) - I couldn’t cope with the thought of doing it professionally as well (more on this shortly!). I would feel very frustrated that I felt dumped on at times, perhaps hearing about the same issue over and over, from the same person, but often nothing changing. I could find it infuriating at times.
You see, one of the gifts of Empaths is insight, your ability to sense the feelings of others give insight into the true nature of the conditions they are facing and are able to clearly see what the problem is. This is why they gravitate towards you for help and direction. Thing is, when it’s not your job you can get tired of listening to everyones pain or problems and if they ask for advice or support but not taking action or responsibility for their situation to create change - that can be frustrating. You can get fed up with being off loaded onto.
I have to say that now I use my deep listening and somatic empathic skills professionally to help clients (and friends) create transformation, I feel deeply satisfied and I no longer feel annoyed. This is because I have boundaries around my time and Empath skills. There is an exchange happening of time, energy and financial recognition. I also am able to truly help people, who want to create change using my gifts. Something to think about for yourself, if this is a big rub for you.
High maintenance - Feeling ‘too much’
‘I’m too much’ is a phrase I often hear from Empath clients or ‘I’m too big, too intense. I think there are two potentially opposite and compatible truths at play when I hear this. The first, is I suspect you may have had a parent who was emotionally unavailable and made you feel like your basic needs were ‘too much’, so all your emotions feel - too much. So you learn to turn away from your feelings, hold them in, be amenable, palatable, talk yourself out of your frustration, or you listen. Be helpful and keep the peace… Your strong emotions or ‘difficult’ experiences became scary and uncomfortable, they felt ‘too much’ and it didn’t feel safe to experience them, let alone express them.
Secondly, and conversely perhaps you might be intense at times! But do you know why? It’s because you feel deeply - as well as your own feelings you also experience the intense feelings of others in your own body. THAT IS FULL ON. So yes you might feel intensely at times - but that’s why and it's not unreasonable or unfounded.
I remember when a group of close friends in a chorus said to me ‘‘oh yeah you’re intense!” - and I felt shocked. I had no idea they thought that but then I went away and I embraced it! I realised that's also why they like me; my intensity of feeling, passion, opinions, how I challenged the normal and my deep way of thinking. Intensity doesn’t need to be a bad thing. It can help to own it and channel it. Use its gifts and give yourself what you need to manage it: time alone away from input, to feel more internally spacious - do the inner work of processing past emotional trauma, have regular self care support, have friends that can handle and enjoy your moments of intensity, have a partner who is more laid back and has the capacity to hold you at times (!) and do meaningful work to channel your intensity of feeling or need for depth…
People pleasing - Giving to be accepted and safe
Not all giving as Empaths is altruistic. We can over give and deny or defer our needs, as a pattern born out of childhood as a way of staying safe or accepted within the family unit. We may feel the need to step up and parent others emotionally, including our own parents if they are or were emotionally immature, threatening or unavailable. This then becomes a pattern of taking over responsibility for the emotional lives of others.
Listening, understanding, and helping may all have been methods of keeping the peace as a child, or ‘fixing’ the situation, using your sensitivity to keep track of the emotional currents of our caregivers to ward off attack or chaos. The habit of listening to the feelings of others first can then become a pattern and we struggle to hear our own needs and feelings or know how to voice them. We over give and are not able to receive, we need to be needed, that's how we know to make ourselves lovable and acceptable.
This behaviour can mask itself as ‘compassion’ when actually the issue is more complex and fear or survival-based responses are at play. Responses which may have served us in childhood but in adulthood can become disempowering as it anaesthetises your own feelings and deadens healthy boundaries which protect your own needs, leading to burn out, anxiety and dissatisfaction.
Perfectionism, emotional denial and Empath rage
Perfectionistic tendencies can have different roots; it may have been the result of having a highly critical or unpredictable parent, and being ‘perfect’ was both an attempt to please them but also give them no cause to attack you or you might have inherited parent's perfectionistic tendencies, or as a caring and a highly conscientious sensitive person trying to live your ideals - you can end up dancing with perfectionism. Whether it’s self preservation or we try to respond to people and situations from our most positive, gracious and loving self we can end up shutting the door to our less than happy reactions by denying our feelings, talking ourselves out of feeling annoyed or upset, by ignoring the inner voice that isn’t happy with a situation or person. Perfectionism can breed self-denial and feed into a lack of self-compassion and unhealthy boundary setting.
You may be trying to make everything ok - by being the best mum, daughter, colleague etc that you can be and continually stretching yourself. But what can happen is we end up not dealing or making space for the difficult emotions within ourselves as we try to iron out the creases of life. We are not being wholly authentic to all aspects of our emotional life in an attempt to cope or not become like a parent which can lead to a buildup of hidden anger, resentment and rage as we give and give, trying our hardest. We may be able to mask those feelings, even from ourselves but it will find a way out which might be physically through health problems, headaches, physical tension or inflammation etc, or a breakdown, burn out or lashing out.
Feeling ticked off or angry or unhappy doesn't make you a ‘bad person’, it makes you human in an imperfect world filled with multiple stressors and rubs. It's what we do with that energy and emotion that counts. That's why I have found subconscious healing with EFT is invaluable, as it helps us process those strong, intense emotions that we may want to run from in a safe way and gives us real relief, internal spaciousness and new perspective. You don't have to hold it all, keep smiling and bottle all disagreeable emotions until it explodes out. You can get real, turn towards it safely, be honest about your whole experience which is kind to yourself, transformative and can liberate the energy in those emotions, leading to a positive outcome.
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