Four reasons why Highly Sensitive People ‘attract’ narcissists
Spoiler alert, contrary to popular opinion, highly sensitive people do not ‘attract’ narcissists. However, the problem, many highly sensitive people DO have, is they suffer from poor personal boundary setting, which leaves them vulnerable to narcissist abuse and can make them feel like a narcissist magnet.
So why is it that highly sensitive people get sucked into the narcissistic net more than the average person perhaps? Well, these are some of the reasons why…
Reasoning and seeing nuance
Highly sensitive people are very sensitive to the pain of others. They are empathic and naturally want to help. They lean in and listen to people's problems. They make themselves available, they are receptive to others. It can therefore be easy for them to see and empathise with the wounding behind a particular person's behaviours, but this is where we can get lost…
Understanding someone's pain, and the reason for their behaviours does not mean we need to justify it, reason it or live with it. We can be understanding and be boundaried. Try saying ‘I know you're in pain, but you don't get to speak to me like that or blame me’. Excusing their actions will not help them or you. You can't take responsibility for them. Yes, they might be suffering or need help but it doesn't need to come from you or at the expense of your well-being. Remember narcissists will only take advantage of you.
A HSPs ability to feel into the nuance of a person's experience and social interactions can feed this confusion and lack of clarity. We see all the shades of grey, where others might see black and white, right and wrong, yes or no. With our ability to see this and in the desire to be understanding and accepting we might reason away harmful behaviours, thereby legitimising them instead of challenging them which opens the door way to narcissists.
Sensitive and self reflective
Highly sensitive people are naturally self reflective. We reflect on our actions, on our speech, on our engagement. We are sensitive to our impact on the world and others. But this self questioning and reflective nature can lead to self-doubt, as well as a habit of over thinking, self analysis and worry. A trait which can be exploited by narcissists.
If we lack firm conviction in our social decision-making skills and continually call our actions into question, ‘Did I do the right thing there? Should I have said this? Could I have done that better when I spoke to them?’ etc. then it becomes easy for a narcissist to create further self doubt, undermine your confidence, target you with unfounded blame and gaslight you.
So this is where it's really important for highly sensitive people to develop the courage and confidence in their convictions. Getting out of the habit of undermining yourself with continual self questioning due to social perfectionism. Yes, try to be kind and engage with others to the best of your ability, but also let go of perfectionism, know your own value and honour your integrity - so you can feel when it's being abused.
Desire to help and rescue
Highly sensitive people are society's emotional help and rescue team. We love to fly in and help those emotionally wounded soldiers on the battlefield of life. But this is where we can fall prey to narcissists. They however are like the fabled wolf in sheep's clothing, every time you try to get near the wound they'll bite you, then tell you you’re the problem. They live in denial, there is nothing wrong with them, they’re not hurt.
You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You think ‘if only I could just… and then they will feel better, be happy, love me’ etc… but it never works. It's easy for HSPs with poor boundaries to enter into codependent relationships with narcissists as we are enabling their behaviours. We want to help someone who will never take responsibility for their actions and will only ever blame you for their problems. They are never the issue you are. You’re happy to give and they are happy to take.
Narcissism is a personality disorder, which exists on a spectrum. No amount of love or understanding is going to change their behaviour. You need to recognise it for what it is and step back, creating your boundaries or leaving. The best thing you can do in response to this is take responsibility for your own behaviours. Why do you feel the need to rescue others, taking emotional responsibility for them and tolerating narcissistic abuse. Explore it. But trust me, you can help, love and support others but you do not need to tolerate abusive behaviours or sacrifice your well-being to be kind. You need to be boundaried to be kind to yourself.
You want everything to be ‘nice’
Highly sensitive people really feel the pain of conflict physically and will often do anything to avoid it. We may even be incredibly triggered by just the thought of conflict and anger arising. We want situations to be harmonious, we want to be kind, but their focus is on others rather than us. We'd rather ignore certain tensions or deny them to ourselves as part of the habit of trying to make everything ‘okay’. But this habit can lead to a habitual overriding of your own needs and emotions, incapacitating our boundary setting skills.
If we are not in touch with how we feel, if we are denying our feelings, we will not be in touch with our ‘no’. ‘No, that's not appropriate’, ‘no you don't get to speak to me like that’. ‘No I'm not taking the blame for your reaction’ - and so on. If you live to appease and avoid creating boundaries with others, then you will attract narcissists - as they are master manipulators who want to stay in control through shame, humiliation, gaslighting and so on. Anyone with a lack of boundaries is perfect prey for them.
I remember a therapist saying to me once, “As soon as you engage with a narcissist, they've already won - you will never ‘win’, you just have to walk away”. It was powerful and helpful to hear. The hard truth is, we can't make everything ‘nice’, we can't heal every relationship or situation. It's only detrimental to twist ourselves into knots to please others, or to make situations pleasant or to try to receive love. You're not winning any ‘happiness awards’ by not being boundaried with someone with narcissistic tendencies, as they will trample you and probably leave you traumatised. Instead, we let our integrity and intuition lead, learning to accept the social discomfort so we can walk towards loving and respectful relationships and situations.
Further Reading
Six Reasons why healthy boundaries are transformative for Highly Sensitive People
Six Reasons why highly sensitive people are wrong to believe ‘It’s unkind to say no’
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