Practising boundaries for surviving Christmas for Highly Sensitive People
The festive season is an idealised time of year culturally and in the media, however the reality for many of us is it can be a challenging time of year due to loneliness or family dynamics.
There can be a lot of pressure during the festive season for everyone to be ‘happy and having a magical time’ or create further strain on relationships that are already difficult. As highly sensitive people who are very aware of group dynamics, this can feel deeply uncomfortable and create anxiety. So in this blog, we will address how you could approach it differently to support, not only your wellbeing, but that of others...
Family rifts - Change the Timetable
I was working with a client recently where there has been a rift in the family due to an argument between siblings which is yet to revolve itself. The thought of trying to bring everyone together for Christmas due to this recent problem, was creating some anxiety and discomfort. They were feeling the pressure of the festive season looming to begin to organise the family and figure out what to do.
So how do we manage this situation? When we are highly sensitive, we're going to be acutely aware of not wanting to upset people, we dislike conflict so we may get involved trying to help resolve the issue perhaps to smooth things out. However sometimes these things take time to resolve and actually forcing them to bring it to a conclusion can make it worse. Plus we may not be able to help, it may simply not be our place.
So what do we do in this situation? Well, my suggestion is perhaps the kindest thing can be to acknowledge our current reality and the feelings of everyone involved. If bringing everyone together at this time is going to cause a lot of discomfort and difficulty then why not carve up your time between people? Give everyone the time and space they need, separately. Creating greater ease and less pressure all round. So this may mean seeing part of the family in the morning and part of the family in the afternoon.
I think one of the healthiest things we can do is try to acknowledge what's really going on and accommodate that. We're not taking sides, we can understand both sides quite often, and we are creating space for each party - whilst celebrating together in a different way this year, perhaps. It can actually be a relief all round - instead of trying to manage a conflictual gathering where everyone then feels uncomfortable. The kindest thing to do may be to make peace with the situation as it is, at the moment, and make a new kind of plan for this year. An emotionally mature and wise approach, you might find people feel relieved to have the suggestion!
New Approach
Once again, I was in a session with a client who finds one of their parents very challenging. This had reached the point where their preference would be not see them any longer, however this was difficult as they were still married!
Christmas was bringing up a great deal of nervousness and anxiety - which can be the reality for a number of us I think. “Oh no, how am I going to manage being around ‘that person’ (I would not choose to be near) for a long period of time”. Sound familiar? Be that weird, uncle or an obnoxious in-law and so on.
Well, in this particular case, I suggested a more radical approach due to their personal circumstances - why not change your family tradition entirely? If you give yourself permission to do Christmas completely differently, what might that be like? How could you look after yourself better? Get creative and imagine how you might change it. So here are some of my suggestions to them:
Friendmass (their label!), Christmas at home with friends who are also on their own for one reason or another
Trip abroad or away, make the holiday a time for an adventure (an example, before family I started going on retreat over New Years eve - instead of going to a pub)
Stay near to family but not in the home, this enables you to take control of your time and space by being able to leave when you're ready, as you’re not ‘stuck’ there.
Throwing out the normal format that we are used to, and playing with ideas can allow us to imagine how the festive season could be done differently in a way that might bring us genuine joy. If you are really honest, what would work best for you? If you threw out the rulebook, what might you do? Allow yourself to dream through ideas, as this is where a new reality first takes form.
When it comes to taking action on these ideas, what may surprise you is how open others are to change. They may be fed up with the normal Christmas routine. They might be understanding that you want to try something different. Because at the end of the day, you are an adult, you have control of what you do with your time and how you spend it. There may be expectations, but you can ‘change the rules’ and do it differently, that’s allowed!
Agreements and changing traditions
Another way to work with the festive season is to create new traditions within your current format. This can happen naturally as parents age and no longer host Christmas or perhaps people divorce or separate, or we move further away making visiting both sides of the family not possible on the same day and so on, this happens. However if nothing radical is happening, you may want to ask yourself is the format we have currently working for me or us?
When you see family, ideally how long do you want to be there and where would you be?
How do we accommodate the different needs of different people? Do you need breaks from long periods together, how could you manage this? Do I need some time on my own to break it up in some form - some reading time perhaps for the introverts?!
What would be enjoyable to throw into the mix? Playing a game together or going for a walk in the woods or on the beach.
If the present opening is really fun, and too much, could we open stockings on Christmas Eve to break it up? Do we start to do secret santa to help reduce the cost of Christmas if we're in a large family?
We can make the festive season more comfortable and happy for everyone when we start to acknowledge each other's needs, not just ‘wants’. Sometimes we might want everyone to be together, to be happy and merry, but actually what makes an extrovert happy will deplete an introvert for example, and it can be helpful to get realistic about people's needs - then adjust for that to create harmony and balance.
For example, my Grandad's deafness has increased. He now struggles to hear when there is a loud group conversation, where once he was in the thick of it, he now withdraws. So we try to accommodate this and if we notice he's being left out, try to dial down the noise and ask him questions to include him or go next door and talk on a one-to-one once dinner is over. Being highly sensitive, we can notice the needs of individuals and the group and can help to navigate this. Making it a special time as we recognise the nuanced needs.
Alongside this, when it comes to looking after ourselves, it can be helpful to have agreements with our partner or our family before entering family spaces or dynamics. So this might be:
Around the amount of time we may spend with our/their family, such as when we arrive and when we leave
The people we need to avoid sitting next to because we have difficulties with them, or clash and shouldn’t be left alone with them
Signals that mean help or I’m done!
How you are going to have some breathing space - taking a call, going for a walk and so on
This conscious negotiation to support your energy levels, as well as the dynamics of engaging with each other's family can be not only supportive but really necessary. When we acknowledge our needs, interests, our difficulties or energy levels, instead of pretending ‘everything is okay’, we are far much more likely to create harmony within relationship dynamics rather than conflict. Being honest and authentic is an asset, it can encourage others to do the same.
I'll give you an example of this. My husband is the youngest of five and as lovely as ‘get togethers’ can be I can get a bit depleted as a highly sensitive introvert in a large group - meal times flatten me. I need to escape to replenish my reserves. So sometimes I give him the nod, hand over our child, and sneak off into a smaller room to stare at the window, or read for 20 minutes. Magically however, somehow this action is like a lighthouse for other introverts in the family who stumble across me, pull up a chair and sit silently with me for a time. Once I incurred a silent exodus of five of us in the room, quietly happily reading until replenished and then exiting.
Being yourself, can give others permission to do the same. Breaking social expectations is not a problem, in fact, it can be a rich ground for the group to find its own natural and true rhythm in its own authentic way. Don't be afraid to be different, or do it differently, as you're sure to have people thank you for it.
Further Reading
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