Staying Resourced as a Highly Sensitive Parent during School Breaks
At the end of the summer holidays I decided to reflect back on the nearly 8 week period of intensive childcare (mostly solo) to ask myself, what did I do that worked and what could I do in the future as a highly sensitive person (HSP) to help me cope better? Here are some of my thoughts.
Mental and Emotional Sustenance
Before the holiday period even began, I was scheduling childcare slots so I could have one or two days to see clients or catch up on work, which for me is ‘time to myself’ but it is also mentally stimulating for me. I know it's important for my own sanity to have a touchstone to the things I love to do and that have value to me outside of being a mum.
This balance is very important to me, I am not a natural stay at home mum. I can find it very boring and tedious. I love my daughter, she is fun, intelligent and curious but most of parenting is very mundane to me which I don’t enjoy: organising playdates, clearing out her clothes - ordering new ones, tidying up (everytime, all the time!), washing clothes, dealing with another tantrum and so on. For me being a mum feels like it’s a path of personal growth - massively stretching my emotional capacity, I have become more resilient and practical as a person - but I find the mundane activities associated with it dull. Just like I did before being a parent! But now the amount of it is ramped up even more.
I think we should be allowed to own this feeling as parents, not just pretend it's a delight all the time because it is hard work! Then we can acknowledge what lights us up outside of this space to bring balance. Our children can bring us joy and be of interest, but I certainly need more outside of that.
I would suggest you reflect on this for yourself and identify where this space is for you, it could be in your spiritual practice or friendships, in projects you feel passionate about, or maybe like me, your work is a life purpose project. Once you have identified it then create boundaries around your time for it to support your own mental and emotional sustenance.
Proper Breaks
Holidays are not restful as a parent, ‘Same shit, different place’ a friend said to me, it’s not a rest. In fact this ‘holiday’ can be pretty exhausting, with the travelling and all the packing / unpacking, entertaining the children and so on. This is why it's important to actually schedule ‘real’ breaks. Let me give you some examples from my household:
Weekends away just the two of us three or four times a year to decompress. A solo retreat for each of us - one or two weeks away… alone!
Splitting the childcare on the weekend, so we can have half a day to ourselves to rest.
Working a four day week, where the fifth day can be a spa day with friends or a treatment or doing nourishing study - or it can become a catch up day if I have been sick or if my period arrived in the week and I need to rest.
As a birthday present, a friend bought me childcare, so I could have time to myself for half a day.
Having two nights off and a day a month thanks to nanny and grandad taking our daughter.
I arranged a family holiday with the grandparents to have support myself during that long period of the summer holidays.
Of course, I realise that not everyone has the money or the family support to do this - and I know these options will not be the same for everyone. BUT recognising the need to rest as a priority does help inform our work and life choices. So when we hit a holiday period and the routine goes out the window we need to try to apply the same principle, when and how are we going to get breaks so we don’t burn out, especially as HSP’s How can you get the support you need to have more time for you?
Be Realistic not Guilty
We need to have some 'good enough' parenting days. For example this could be a TV day where we crash out with our child to watch films because we've got nothing left to give. Sometimes we need to be realistic and not feel guilty. I like the phrase the ‘good enough mum’ because I think as a mother the standards these days are so high in terms of the expectations of ourselves as parents and also the external pressures or expectations we encounter it's just not tenable.
What's amazing these days is there is so much information out there on parenting approaches, on self-regulation, on educational approaches, on emotional development, on managing neuro-diversity, on the style of language we use… I love it, it’s incredible, it’s important knowledge to have and to learn. But speaking as a sensitive person who cares, as a parent with liberal views, with a great deal of interest in these topics but also limited capacity - I can feel overwhelmed by the learning and implementation needed to actually embed this understanding at times.
Mostly, what I see is my deficit as a parent - good old 'mum guilt'. Fearing my expression of anger in the heat of a moment one afternoon, might be causing my child to experience a trauma response! Worrying that somehow the language I'm using is affecting her view of herself negatively, that it is imprinting her and so on. Fearing she is embodying my natural ‘aloofness’, as I want her to be able to happily make friends. Why do we do this? Because we know the impact of our own childhood experience on ourselves, how throw away comments and unconscious looks or attitudes made us feel - the areas we try to do differently because it didn't work so well for us, even though they were doing their best. So I want to learn more and do better.
It's a painful truth to watch your own failings whilst doing our best too. Even though we have even more information at our fingertips these days and may be highly reflective and sensitive - we are still human. We have to be realistic that we are constantly learning and evolving too, as well as our children. We can't be perfect robots. They are living with us on our good and bad days, through the ups and downs. So some days we need to give ourselves a break. Whether that's a TV day, or passing our child over to our partner or grandparents because we're at a limit and want to scream, or laying in the bed in the dark for half an hour while they play a game on the tablet, or my personal favourite hiding spot in a hot shower for 30 mins whilst they entertain themselves with toys... Some days we need to take the pressure off of trying to be ‘perfect’ parents and just need to put steps in place to nurture ourselves as part of the routine for the day.
Permission to be Different
To survive parenthood, I would like to advocate that you do what supports you and your family's needs. What I'm thinking of here is a personal example of how much alone time my husband and I need solo. To many this can seem unusual or strange, but for us, it's a way of managing our sensitivity and capacity. Luckily for me, I'm a nonconformist, and I'm not too worried to go against the crowd. But if you are a people pleaser, you might find this harder.
I regularly get up between four and five in the morning, because I like to have at least an hour alone, if not 2 hours. I work on my own at home when I'm not seeing clients. I don't only like my own space, I need it to feel sane. I have structured my working life and home life to support this need as it's so fundamental - this is linked to being highly sensitive, but also 70% introverted (!). Luckily, for me, my husband has similar inclinations, although he is more of an omnivert.
We often divide up the child care to make sure we have time alone - we are usually catching up with personal or family admin or doing household chores as we both work or we use it to decompress one way or another - napping, sauna blanket, walking in nature, calling a friend and so on. My husband's family regularly comments that they think it's weird that we don't spend time as a family ALL the time. But for us it's survival!
For me, I think developing dysfunctional behaviours or relationships to suit the societal norm is far weirder. I feel it is important to listen to your individual and collective needs as a family. In my mind, ‘the norm’ for romantic relationships in particular, are frequently co-dependent and therefore unhealthy. What I'm really pointing to here is for you to give yourself permission to be honest about your needs and the needs of your family as individuals, to be willing to buck ‘the norm’ and do what works for you to be happy and stay healthy.
Get the Kit
Oh man, have I learnt to love ‘kit’ as a parent! For me, this is any equipment that makes my life a little bit easier as a parent. Most of these things go on the birthday or Christmas wish list as a request! Let me share some of my current favourites with you:
Technical
Audible membership, enjoyable entertainment on car journeys for my daughter and educational for me during all the drop offs and pick up journeys
Noise cancelling headphones, I wish I had these sooner, they are amazing to dial down the noise (which I’m very sensitive to)
Loops, earbuds to reduce noise, great for soft play and kids parties!
Kindle, gives me the opportunity to read and jump between books whilst on a bench in the park as my daughter plays.
Amazon prime has saved our bacon many times with it's next day delivery (but yes I don’t like giving Jeff Bezos more money)
Weighted blanket in the lounge and bedtime really helps me to drop and release.
Sauna blanket, just relaxing heaven. Kicks in my vagal nerve for easy deep relaxation of an evening
Fire tablet, streaming shows for my daughter and also to play games on, great for long car journeys and life in general
My iphone. I know we all have phones (!) but really… email, podcasts, diary, reading, maps, music, audio books, camera all in one place, I still find it incredible
Before my daughter was born, I wanted to have all wooden toys and be off of electronic devices. I still really admire those who do and can, but we feel we need the support that technology can bring in our household. ‘How can I create greater ease?’ has become somewhat of a mantra in all areas of my life. This isn’t about cutting corners or being lazy, it’s about knowing what you need, what you value and therefore where to invest your energy. So I choose for my daughter to have 30 minutes of screen time, to let me rest, so when she comes off, I have the energy and capacity to give her my full attention, for it to be enjoyable, so I'm not ratty, exhausted or distracted.
Another example is saying yes to the pacifier when my daughter was a baby although I didn’t want to use it (as I was scared she would stop breastfeeding) but she kept screaming through the night and we couldn't sleep, as soon as she had it she stopped screaming and we slept.
A further example is that my daughter had a tongue tie, and we decided to have it operated on privately as the pain for me when feeding her was unbearable. It was a really emotional decision at the time as I didn’t want to cause her pain - but it was a great success and I was able to then breastfeed for a further 8 1/2 months when I was about to stop because of the pain.
These are just examples of how and why I started to embrace ‘technological’, other aids or medical support where I could have decided not too. We have to deal with long days as parents. Sometimes I get to 3pm and wonder why I'm so tired and then realise I've been up since 5 am and haven't stopped, literally, no break. That's why I'm personally grateful for the big interventions and technologies that can help with the day to day living.
Supportive Connections
Lastly, having supportive connections can be so important to stay resourced as a parent. I tend to avoid the ‘’perfect parents’ in the playground for whom all children are a blessing and isn’t it wonderful to be a parent. I want the ones I can be real with, where I am able to roll my eyes, say oh my goodness isn't this hard sometimes and they drive you nuts?! Yes, we wanna be positive and upbeat, but also we just need to be real about our experience. Otherwise we're spending a lot of time and energy pretending which is tiring and disconnecting.
We all need a valve to let off some steam, whether that's:
Conversations or messaging like-minded friends and family or mentors
Laughing at shared videos and memes about the reality of being a parent (I love these!)
Doing exercise or going for a walk, to move some energy
Doing tapping (EFT) and ranting etc
Therapeutic support (in some form)
What are your release valves as a HSP parent? How do you let the pressure out and support yourself? We are juggling so many balls, work, relationship dynamics, family, friendships, our own internal world, our children, societal and climatic shifts, (pandemics!) - I mean, it's complex and big. To stay resilient and resourced, we need to be supported and acknowledge how you are really feeling and the problems we are working with day to day. We need to be willing to be vulnerable about our real experience, as no one grows in a state of denial.
To quote Brene Brown: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable”
Being a parent can be tough and we need to get real about how we stay resourced during that journey, whether it's during the break periods or in the day to day routine, especially as highly sensitive parents. So we can be the loving, supportive and present parents we long to be.
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