It's very common for highly sensitive people (HSP) to struggle with setting reasonable personal boundaries with, well, most people.  They can tend to ignore or neglect their needs, over give, feel uncomfortable or deeply guilty saying ‘no’ to people etc. There are a number of common ‘limiting beliefs’ that prevent HSP’s tending to their basic needs at times and here are some of the key one’s I frequently hear:

‘It’s not safe to have boundaries…’

When it comes to setting a boundary, for some highly sensitive people, it may not feel safe at all. It's very common for the HSP’s, I work with to have lived with a threatening caregiver (albeit emotionally or mild), be that an alcoholic, a parent with narcissist tendencies, an unpredictable parent due to mental health problems, an emotionally abusive situation and so on.  In these circumstances they had felt vulnerable, unsupported, without power or if they were to choosee where to assert a boundary they may have felt that their physical, emotional or mental sense of safety was threatened. 

We may have feared making a situation worse, or being attacked or criticised or experiencing further rejection. It may have left you in a state of hyper alert, watchful of the moods or needs of others, surveying your environment to stay emotionally, or physically safe.  You may have needed to appease or stay quiet, and just the thought of asserting a boundary now may make you shake with fear as it can feel like a possible threat to the animal part of your brain, trying to survive.  Therefore you avoid conflict or fear creating boundaries. 

‘It’s unkind to say no’ 

This by far is the limiting belief that I hear most frequently from HSPs when it comes to asserting a boundary and it can, honestly, make me want to scream when I hear it.  In fact, there was so much to say on this topic that I wrote a whole blog post about it see here: ‘Six Reasons why highly sensitive people are wrong to believe ‘It’s unkind to say no’

But in short, in the words of my friend Nirajamani, ‘Boundaries are compassion in action’. Why? Because some behaviours are harmful to others and to yourself, so they therefore require action.  This is why we have a social care system and the police force, to prevent or mitigate harm to others (as well as be about justice). Many of the laws we have in our society effectively legislate boundaries around acceptable behaviours and actions, to manage behavious and keep people safe. 

Equally in our own lives, kind people are allowed to say no and have boundaries.  They are allowed to recognise, acknowledge and walk away or remove themselves or other loved ones from unfair, abusive or unkind behaviour out of an act of self-compassion or self preservation and a commitment to their wellbeing. 

‘I need to give away my energy to people’ 

I can't have boundaries around my energy with people, I just have to give or I’m not safe - this was a belief I realised I had and I think it's one many highly sensitives do too. But where does this belief come from? 

• Well, if we may have lived with an ‘energy vampire’ and then their love was conditional, only given if we met their needs for attention, gave them our energy. 

• If we had a parent with narcissist tendencies, our personal power and autonomy - i.e. energy and boundaries, would be a threat to them as they wish to control you so in the face of their rage or manipulation, you give in or give your energy away to stay safe. 

• You may have been taught to unconsciously absorb the pain of others, to look after your caregiver, so you’ll be liked and loved, therefore giving your energy away. 

We mold ourselves in response to accommodate our environment as children. We cleverly do what we can to survive and stay safe. But in adulthood, We may have unhelpful patterns we need to address in terms of our mental programming as a child due to our living situations and influences, to help us to form healthy loving relationships - and not feel drained. 

‘It’s my role to keep the peace’

Often, if there is a lack of healthy boundaries at home, we assume the role of a ‘peacekeeper or a mediator’ with friends, family or work.  We can become attached to the role because it creates calm out of the chaos, removing the threat from the situation at hand. It also helps to make others feel safe and happy, so they appreciate you for doing this - for your insight and understanding.  But we may have stepped into this role because we lived with an emotionally immature caregiver who can't manage their own feelings, or you lived in a volatile situation where there was emotional tension, so you had to step up in some form to manage it.

The problem with this is that you may end up finding you are stuck in a state of self denial and perfectionism.  You need to be the one that sets the feelings aside, creating calm when actually you are sick to death of this behaviour and want to explode yourself.  But once again your feelings and needs are hidden from view, as you counsel, listen and caretake others, to create calm.  You grow up fast. Maybe as a child, you were told how mature you were for your age even?  Being a peacekeeper can mean constantly denying your own boundaries around your needs whilst you develop perfectionist tendencies to make sure you're ‘always getting it right’ to head off any conflict which is probably a bit of a trigger.

‘I mustn't get angry’ 

Creating healthy boundaries can often mean facing our anger and listening to it, which may feel terrifying for some.  Why? - well because our anger is communicating our no: no you’re crossing a line, no listen to me, no I’ve had enough, no don’t touch me, no get out etc.  If you're anything like me, you may be terrified of your anger.  It may feel safe to feel it, but it doesn't feel safe to be around anger, and you're certainly not going to express it.  You may have even vowed never to be like a parent you had with explosive anger.  Anger is ‘bad’, period: It's not nice, it's not safe, it's not kind. ‘I don't do anger’ now that's a phrase I said many times and have heard many highly sensitive people say (usually just as their anger finds its voice!). 

If we are not in touch with our anger, then we're not in touch with our boundaries or our needs.  Our anger tells us our limit and our edges. (Conversely, you can also have a stockpile of anger from past events and experiences, so may feel full of disproportionate anger or rage at times so may distrust it - this is a different issue that can be worked through).  But the stir of anger, frustration, irritability, can be you hitting your limit - you're now surfacing to be heard and heeded, your needs wanting to be met. This is why it can be so important to begin to befriend, and listen to our anger to support us in our creation of developing healthy personal boundaries. 

‘I can’t trust my intuition’ 

Developing healthy boundaries often means learning to trust our intuition. This means learning to listen to the subtle messages and intuitive nudges that register in our bodies - rather than dismiss or override them. This can be a problem for a few reasons. One is that we live in a very logical society that frankly, mocks or ridicules the intuitive sense.  Many HSP’s are trauma survivors and therefore due to trauma systems, the body can feel like an unsafe place or something they cannot trust, or that they associate with shame. 

We will have somatic empathy as a tool to help us navigate and survive the world. This gives us an intuitive sense of who to trust, and who is not safe as we can sense their intentions and emotions in our own body (see Cindy Engels work for more info on the subject).  But we have to learn or relearn to listen to and trust our subtle senses, and messages of our embodied experience.  For some of us to begin to feel safe, comfortable and clearly about to develop a relationship of listening to our intuition to inform our boundary creation, we are going to need to do some deeper self healing to trust the intuitive message coming through our body and that it isn’t just an echo of responses from past experiences. 

‘I don’t have a voice’

Finding your voice as a highly sensitive person to assert your boundaries can feel challenging for some. If you have felt drowned out by others, trying to know your own mind and needs can feel difficult, and that’s before the challenge of feeling brave enough to come out of silence to learn how to articulate them.  You may even have a belief that says ‘I have no voice’ or ‘nobody listens’ as that’s how it has been for you. 

You may even find yourself in a state of confusion with brain fog when it comes to trying to touch into how you feel to articulate your voice. You may feel lost and confused because it's unfamiliar as accessing your emotions doesn't feel safe.  Also many HSP become people pleasers, and find themselves literally absorbing the pain of others - which is even more confusing as you are trying to decipher what thoughts and feelings are your own or that of others.  Having a voice may not feel safe at all depending on your history.  To create healthy boundaries for ourselves requires to be heard and seen. So to find our voice, we often have to address the past. 

‘The problem is, I’m just not strong enough’

There is a myth among the highly sensitive people I work with that they are not very strong because the world impacts them so much more greatly than others. Therefore, they must be weak or not capable as they can feel easily overwhelmed. The problem is ‘me’ they say, I should just be able to deal with the same situations as everybody else. ‘I’m just not resilient’, not the fact I need stronger boundaries around how I spend my time. I should have the same boundaries around my energy as everyone else... This, however, is not true for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, your experience is not the same as others due to your sensitivity.  The volume of the world is turned up for you, therefore you need to adjust your life accordingly.  Secondly it takes great strength and fortitude to hold and digest all the information or experiences coming at you - you are processing MUCH more than the average person as you are aware and impacted by the subtleties (emotions, situations, energy) around you in a way that an average person is not. It's therefore paramount that we acknowledge our differencesand make adjustments to our boundaries around our time, space and energy to accommodate this so we can increase our well-being. You have different needs, and you need to honour them for your capacity to grow and talents to thrive. 

Further Reading

Six reasons why highly sensitive people are wrong to believe it's unkind to say no

How embodied awareness enables highly sensitive people establish healthy boundaries

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