Lessons I learnt as a Highly Sensitive Person from friends with badass boundaries
One of my teachers said to me the other day as we were discussing a work issue; ‘Oh well, you don't need to worry about that because you're really good with setting your boundaries’, which made me smile with amused pride and laugh at the irony that once - the opposite was true. As a highly sensitive person, setting healthy boundaries was something I used to really struggle with - but that’s not true anymore. So it got me thinking, how did I change? Then immediately I thought of my friends who helped to teach me what healthy boundary setting looked like and modelled this for me. Here are some of the gems of teaching moments from three friends with badass boundaries…
You don’t need to feel guilty saying no
I remember being in town with my friend Kathy, and we were walking out of the arcade where there was a homeless man selling ‘The Big Issue’. He asked if we wanted a magazine, and we said no. He then proceeded to obstruct my path, glaring intensely at me, straight in the eyes, launching into a loud pleading protest to buy the magazine, blocking my way when I tried to move away. I immediately felt embarrassed, guilty, ashamed and uncomfortable. I then doubted myself, starting to retreat on my decision. But I remember Kathy grabbing my arm, pulling me away, saying clearly and directly to him - ‘No! She said no’
It was a powerful moment for me. She protected my ‘no’. In a somewhat ethically uncomfortable situation (as I prefer to live up to my ideal of being generous and kind), she pulled me out of a situation where I felt a familiar messy discomfort and internal wiggles of uncertainty in saying no to someone. Her boldness to be clear and decisive made a strong impression on me. She knew it was something I found painful and that I struggled with seeing suffering and having boundaries around the attention, time, energy or in this case money I give.
I could see her lack of guilt around the whole exchange, that she was able to let it go immediately. You said no, and no is enough. When I reflect back on the exchange now, I feel that, in that moment, I was actually being manipulated by the seller, albeit due to his desperation and those of us with weak boundaries are easy prey to this. I think I was being loudly shamed into buying the magazine. But what Kathy was teaching me was it was okay to say no, and not justify myself and not feel ashamed.
The exchange also taught me how much our body language conveys. We both said no - but he blocked me. I learnt, words are not enough. We have to be able to energetically communicate ‘No’ and embody our boundaries or the word can be meaningless. I had to get comfortable with being firm, clear, confident and guilt-free. No is enough and I don’t need to explain myself. There are other times I will buy a magazine or other charities I will give too. At that moment it was a no and that was enough.
Expressing our expectations
My friend Tasmin has a black belt in boundaries, she is fearlessly direct, clear and assertive. You don’t mess with her. There have been various occasions when we have been out for a meal together and occasionally she won't be happy about an aspect of her meal or the level of service. When she's not happy, she will let the restaurant know. For some reason, in this situation, this makes me deeply uncomfortable and I cringe inside when it happens. She can see this.
‘Look Nicole, my food has come out cold, it’s a warm dish and that's not acceptable’ I remember her saying. She was clear, she wasn't uncomfortable, she had expectations, and they weren't being met. She wasn't afraid to voice them, publicly. I could see and feel her embody that. For me, the situation makes me squirm, throwing up my discomfort in ‘complaining’. Being unhappy with the service or situation creates conflict, which I don't like. Expressing this discontent also brings it into public view in a restaurant which felt uncomfortable. I want these strangers to like me and not think I’m ‘being difficult’.
But witnessing this exchange, gave me a reframe. It’s okay to have reasonable (and agreed) expectations and for me to expect them to be met! It's okay to articulate when it's not being met, you don’t need to feel guilty or uncomfortable about this. Your voice and opinion has the right to be heard. In this situation in particular, especially, as you are the customer receiving a service you're paying for!
What experience taught me was, it's not unreasonable for me to have expectations of others. I can be respectful, I can be clear, but I can also honour my expectations and my boundaries around my experiences. I don't need to live apologetically, fearing upsetting other people. I have a right to express my needs. It's about getting comfortable with our own inner integrity, directness and clarity. We can still be kind, we can still be courteous, but we can also be clear and firm about our expectations and boundaries - they are not mutually exclusive.
Walk away for your wellbeing
I was at the playground with my friend Srirajni (a Buddhist order member) and as our children played we discussed a difficulty I was having with a family member. I said I feel guilty, that I felt I ‘should just put up with the behaviour’ or ‘try harder’, or ‘be more understanding’… When she said to me with such clarity it was a striking lesson - ‘If you have repeatedly expressed that their behaviour is not acceptable to you and they don’t make changes, then you can walk away’ - or words to that effect. Now, for me, this was a momentous thought because I thought my only choice, as they were family, was to put up with it.
But what she was demonstrating to me, was her inherent sense of her own integrity, self value and self compassion. It was clear that she wouldn't continue to subject herself to that behaviour and be in that situation, she would be clear on her boundary then walk away if it repeatedly continued. To her there was no other choice, as you need to look after your own wellbeing.
The truth is some behaviours are not acceptable and are damaging. Some people don’t listen and don’t change. We can’t all be ‘friends’ as we have different values. That, sadly, is life. We can’t make everything nice and make everyone happy. It’s never going to happen. So sometimes the healthiest action we can take is to walk away. Srirajni is a compassionate person, so her clarity and sense of self-respect around the question was very powerful for me to witness.
There was no doubt that she would walk away from a situation that was emotionally damaging, whoever that might be, rather than trying to ‘save’ an unhealthy relationship. She gave a shrug of the shoulders then said “what more can you do”, - i.e. it’s causing you stress, making you unhappy and angry, you said this is not okay, they keep doing it, so the choice you are left with is to sever ties with the person (rather than put up with it!).
What I learnt from these examples is that I should honour myself and my own needs, it's not selfish, it's necessary for my own integrity and wellbeing. I don’t need to keep making excuses and tolerating behaviour because that person has been ‘traumatised’ or because they are a relative. It’s okay to walk away from relationships that are harmful. Being realistic is important, stop living with false hope, expecting them to change or the situation to resolve. Be clear in your expectations, be kind but firm in your communications, then manage your boundary - choosing to look after yourself. As highly sensitive people, we can forget that we have this choice - that we can place boundaries around our needs and have expectations to be met too.
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